ANGST

i hate growing up. i know i've prolly said this a million and one times but yea, i'm sticking with it. I HATE GROWING UP.

sigh... silly billy hdb came back with a super crap loan amt and we're like.. WTF.. can't even buy me a room with that kinda shit money lah. argh... i hate living in singapore. everything's so... i dunno, moneycentric.

and i think it's a complete joke that i'm being held hostage in my company by my fucking salary scale. come on.... i'm not earning alot, i just happen to be local and everyone else are fucking foreigners so OF COURSE MY PAY LOOKS LIKE IT'S ALOT LAH. dumbfucks.

anyways, this just brings me back to hating being a fucking grown up.

wanna do something i like, sure, but i need money to sustain while i start my own thing rite?
that or i get like a sugar daddy to invest in whatever i wanna do. sugar daddy where?

or i can just do music and do the music company that the hubz is doing... sounds like fun eh.. but yah... back to the question, if i don't get paid full time and he doesn't get paid fulltime, we're fucked..

i can't wait to go boston!! but that's gonna take another 2 yrs, and 2 yrs is too long.

actually if i took up something OUTSIDE of work... like go back to dancing, or i dunno, go back to music... or.. hmmm... taking up another course (all of which need money which i dun have) then maybe i'll be happier no? but the stupid work hours are shit, makes me rethink, do i really hate waking up in the mornings more, or do i hate not being able to spend weekends and weeknights with friends and family. actually the answer is staring me in the face. argh...

and then, the man's group is in shambles... i dunno what to say. i wish i can quit my job and take them on to different heights. Problems that were there should have been solved much much earlier and things won't have had to turn so ugly. but it did. and now i can't help but feel it is slowly creeping to my own personal friends. and i fucking hate that.actually, i hate the fact that it's involving my own personal friends more than the problem itself! if we lived in a world were people could just take and give shit in equal amounts, then there wun be any misunderstanding, assumptions, bullshitting around, rite?

is it easier to immediately focus on the negative than the positive of each and every human being that we meet? where is 'giving someone the benefit of doubt'? where is the 'listen to both sides of the story before judging?' actually, WHY JUDGE? we all have our own shit, no?

urgh.. i'm so sick and tired.

the legacy i wanna leave behind, is seriously nothing physical. maybe that's why i feel so aimless. i dun need a career, i dun need money, i dun need status. u know what i need? i need to know that whatever i'm doing, i'm making a difference in somebody's life. making someone happy. BEING happy... is that so wrong?

WHY THE FUCK DOES SINGAPORE MAKE IT SO FUCKING DIFFICULT TO BE FUCKING HUMAN?

urgh...