The heart's been pounded, stepped upon, shredded
Dear Blory...
This is probably gonna sound like my most pathetic entry ever. Because I'm whining like a girl.. wait a minute.. i AM a girl.. oh you know wat i mean..
Louis didn't call me at all yesterday and today.. even though i told him on thursday how I felt about all of it.. he just doesn't seem to care anymore. All he cares about is his new business.. photography... and.. i dunno... travelling.. I think it's a pretty clear sign he doesn't want me in his life rite now. Even if he says it's only for now, I really dunno if I should still give him that 'space' because it's just stupid to always be taking time offs from each other.. is it? Time to do our own thing, yes.. but that doesn't mean time off, no?
Anyway... wat saddens me most is that I love him soooo much, it hurts sooo badly when he does this kinda thing to me... look, if we had a fight, it will be fine coz i know there's some conflict somewhere.. but this is worst.. i have no fucking idea why i'm suddenly being shut out from his life! And the only thing i seemingly might have done wrong was to tell him how i felt.... is this fair? This isn't even about spending time with each other or with friends!
3 years it's been, by now, I've learnt that when there's work, he becomes so focused that nothing else matters... 3 yrs i've been taking that all in my stride, knowing that things will be better when it blows over. 3 years... does HE understand me at all?? Does he know how I feel throughout all this while? Does he even bother? Are men really all that selfish? I dunno what to think or feel anymore... i feel shattered... wounded.. heartbroken to the point of insanity. Rite.. this probably sounds really over dramatic for a problem like this.. wait.. how did the problem come about again? sighhh... but it does.. it hurts so badly.. so so badly..
I hate to feel like this! I know nobody does... i'm always having very very violent nightmares.. I use to wonder why, but now, i realise it's really because of alll my pent up frustrations? Am I not standing up for myself? By calling, or messaging him first.. am I being weak? But I really hate playing the childish game of waiting for the other party to call... because I hate messing around with my head and heart... I wish he'd just do something to show me he loves me... does he???
I love him! but I just hope he stops being the insensitive guy he always becomes .. so suddenly... almost surely... I love him to the extend of almost hating him... you can only feel strongly either ways... dun make my love turn cold. I knoe I've never loved so much, so steadfast, and so true in my life... but I also know once it's tainted... nothing can bring it back...
Ever..
This is probably gonna sound like my most pathetic entry ever. Because I'm whining like a girl.. wait a minute.. i AM a girl.. oh you know wat i mean..
Louis didn't call me at all yesterday and today.. even though i told him on thursday how I felt about all of it.. he just doesn't seem to care anymore. All he cares about is his new business.. photography... and.. i dunno... travelling.. I think it's a pretty clear sign he doesn't want me in his life rite now. Even if he says it's only for now, I really dunno if I should still give him that 'space' because it's just stupid to always be taking time offs from each other.. is it? Time to do our own thing, yes.. but that doesn't mean time off, no?
Anyway... wat saddens me most is that I love him soooo much, it hurts sooo badly when he does this kinda thing to me... look, if we had a fight, it will be fine coz i know there's some conflict somewhere.. but this is worst.. i have no fucking idea why i'm suddenly being shut out from his life! And the only thing i seemingly might have done wrong was to tell him how i felt.... is this fair? This isn't even about spending time with each other or with friends!
3 years it's been, by now, I've learnt that when there's work, he becomes so focused that nothing else matters... 3 yrs i've been taking that all in my stride, knowing that things will be better when it blows over. 3 years... does HE understand me at all?? Does he know how I feel throughout all this while? Does he even bother? Are men really all that selfish? I dunno what to think or feel anymore... i feel shattered... wounded.. heartbroken to the point of insanity. Rite.. this probably sounds really over dramatic for a problem like this.. wait.. how did the problem come about again? sighhh... but it does.. it hurts so badly.. so so badly..
I hate to feel like this! I know nobody does... i'm always having very very violent nightmares.. I use to wonder why, but now, i realise it's really because of alll my pent up frustrations? Am I not standing up for myself? By calling, or messaging him first.. am I being weak? But I really hate playing the childish game of waiting for the other party to call... because I hate messing around with my head and heart... I wish he'd just do something to show me he loves me... does he???
I love him! but I just hope he stops being the insensitive guy he always becomes .. so suddenly... almost surely... I love him to the extend of almost hating him... you can only feel strongly either ways... dun make my love turn cold. I knoe I've never loved so much, so steadfast, and so true in my life... but I also know once it's tainted... nothing can bring it back...
Ever..
posted by ah_bu @ 11:56 PM
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