bored

yes. me. bored. to. death.

thankfully i have people on the other side of the world to keep me company.

i love coming back to sg after a loong flight. only because, i mean of course because of the man, but not just that, i come back and a whole lot of information backlog just comes rushing in. and then i realise that people all have their shit to deal with and clean up. and i think.. yeap, i'm home. at last.

and i also realise that we (maybe it's just me, but prove me otherwise) are always looking for ways to further improve (read: screw up) our current situation coz it's never good just being good. methinks adrian put it plain and simple. and he makes me feel like i need a shrink. you know, just to put things in perspective a little coz i can get really confused about nothing.

he says: ur (you are) a mess and ur (you are) fucked... and subconciously ur (you geddit) holding onto something old familiar safe and happy and old promises everytime ur in danger of finding those same things in another coz ur afraid if this new person will be able to hold a candle to a previous dream!

how smart. how apt.

in anycase, he's right, i am a work-in-progress. i dunno how long this construction is gonna last and i'm sorry if it's causing a helluva noise. simply put, i just need some patience and understanding coz i honestly do have my shit and demons (like a drug addiction it is) creeping up on me time and again. and no. i do not want to hurt anyone in the process. anymore.

i still dunno what it all means sometimes. we are supposed to be happy yet we are never satisfied. apparently we can only measure one's happiness at the end of the person's life, in totality. so i'll only really know if i'm truly happy when i'm dead. i'll only rest when i'm dead. damn! maybe that's where the term 'rest in peace' comes in!!

hokay... i still dunno what to make of my dreams. only time will tell right?

yeap, only time will time. i just wish i knew now.