a little me time

brrr.. my room suddenly got colder and the rain just started pouring outside, and i wonder why... *winks at prissy-la-la*

that being said, i miss the rain and afternoons at home with nothing to do. i mean, there are tons i could be doin, like calling up suppliers, typing out my resume then very painfully translating them to mandarin, washing my clothes, watching DVDs that i've been hanging onto for ages, doing some housework... blah blah... but i like to just sit on my bed, wait for the thunder after i see the lightning flash, watch the rain through my window, listen to newly uploaded songs in my itunes and ... space out. i dun space out that much anymore ever since pole and wedding and with all the constant flight changing, so this is good... me time.

sarah mclachlan's Angel is playing in the background now. how apt!

i guess it hasn't really sunken in with me thinking of leaving sg for a glimpse of the unknown but reading prissy-la-la's blog is kinda reminding me of the fact that should i go, i will be leaving everything i love and loved behind. to leave, is to give up the ability to sms the gang with magic words like "dinner", or "plans" and see how everyone responds. sometimes, enough to have a impromptu gathering. to leave, is no more dempsey roads, winebars, steamboats, club normantons, charades, timbre, walas, girly times, group hugs and big hugs. to leave is to have to depend solely on myself to make sure i stay alive, without my mum to nag me or my dad to give me free cab rides. to leave is not be able to nag at my sis and piss the shit out of her because she knows it's me trying to be a big sister and do the right thing.

but i guess... to not leave.. is to give myself another opportunity to regret a once in a lifetime chance of doing something i've always talked abt and dreamt abt. and that's enough to kickstart me, anywhere.

i have 2-3 more months to prepare for the leap into joblessness, job-seeking, loneliness, happiness with only faith as my safety net.

but hey, it's not like i'm leaving for good! and oh come on... almost everyone has had their opportunity to live and rough it out overseas and they're all back in one piece. my time has finally come... a recent friend who has become quite a sister to me said "hey babe, very happy for u n envy u at the same time coz its almost a dream to me as well. think positive! will support u fully. will miss you too. boohoo..."

so think positive i will, and all i need is that people trust either that i've thought abt it.. or if shit happens, that i can deal with it. i have been dealing fine all this while, haven't i? think of it as me starting afresh... like this other song says.. i'm daring myself to move and lift myself up off the floor. and it's not like i'm going to another planet! ain't THAT positive thinking? *smiles*

"Spend all your time waiting
For that second chance
For a break that would make it okay
There’s always one reason
To feel not good enough
And it’s hard at the end of the day
I need some distraction
Oh beautiful release
Memory seeps from my veins
Let me be empty
And weightless and maybe
I’ll find some peace tonight"

-angel