On being happy

So I went for my colleague's birthday bash last nite right after I touched down from KL. Man was I tired but then again, birthdays are causes for celebration, no? Well, headed down to balaclava *as usual* where the same bunch of people are there *as usual* where I see both alicia and ivy half in the land of whoosiness *as usual* but whatever... I'm just gonna chill, have a glass of nice wine and enjoy whoever's company.

The bunch then decided to head over to some wierd bengish place called Liquid-something. And since I haven't been there before + I'm not working the following day + the nite was still young + they asked + the company was great = I went along. (Ok.. i confess... i was kinda attracted to the guy who asked me to go. So cheap!!! haiz...) Anyways, it was one of those karaoke cum pool cum pub place.

After a coupla beers and belting out karaoke songs and listening to the bunch sing along to just about anything that comes on the screen, my gal fren comes to me and we talk. And she wasn't happy. And we look over to the bday gal.. and she didn't look happy, and you see the rest of the bunch, some singing away, some drinking away, some smooching away, *slow-mo effect while camera focuses on the ones who are sad and background is blurred* Basically, we were talking about being happy, or the lack of happiness.

I mean, *flashback* it took me back to that night a coupla nights ago when we were at wala. It just seems that in the midst of a huge group having fun, a kind of surreal sadness is bound to arise. Like... how can anybody actually be so happy, how can anyone actually be so carefree? Because amidst the *hugs* and *i-love-yous* and *whatnots*, you're reminded that the important thing is really not where you are, or what you're doing, or how much you can drink or dance your life away. It's really all about human connection, the people you're with and how they play an important part in making you who you are. And you start being reminded of what you're missing, or.. the ones you lost, the connection you took so long to establish, gone or someone you wanna connect with but he or she's just somewhere out there, and you're wondering... yah, but where??? And happiness. What, who, where we derive happiness from. Withing ourselves? someone special? friends? family? Or a greater Being. When and where can we ever find a place where EVERYBODY is happy and genuinely happy?

Maybe that's why I couldn't help it but teared. (I couldn't cry for fear of lack of composure in a place like wala). Maybe that's why gracia hugged me so tightly and cried (notice.. hugging so no one else can see the lack of composure. hah). Maybe that's why my galfriend couldn't help but wet her eyes while we were talking (even though she said she refused to cry in front of people). Maybe that's why some people just cry as and when. We, - I for that matter, are/am happy, yet sad, yet contented, yet wishing for more...

I dunno. It was a night at walas, that I saw repeat itself with an entirely different set of people in the Liquid-something place that reminds me that no matter how fucked up our lives seem to be, or how dramatic the group dynamics is, or how dysfunctional you are with one another, we are really not alone even if we think we are.

If life wasn't so contradictory, maybe it'll be easier to be happy.

Now... **GROUP HUUUUGGGGG**.... awwwww