Confessions of an Alcoholic

So, I've just gotten back from melbourne after a week's break. I didn't even check before going for flight but so it seems, or as I found out, it was the longest stay we have to melbourne and hence, the allowance was the highest! *ka ching!* Great start to my must-save-$$-campaign.

Anywayz, because of medication (yes, I'm trying VERY hard to finish my antibiotics), and a whole day of sleeping in, I ended up still being WIDE awake after going out for dinner and a small catch-up session with ex-SIM lecturer. Well it turns out that one of the stewardess on this flight was my NP-senior-turned-SIM-junior. And since she arranged to meet up with him, i decided to tag along and play mystery guest. We ate, had dessert, had coffee, talked, walked around, drove around before deciding to call it a night coz we had nowhere else to go... aussieland closes waaaay toooo early for my comfort. So when I was back in my room at around 2ish am aussie time (after i went for a drink at the hotel lounge), i decided to do the next most constructive thing - that is to read my neeew boookie "Confessions of a Shopaholic" (Ya, i know it's been a looong time since the book's been out but HEY, I READ WHATEVER.. WHENEVER..)

Lowdown on bookie? Well, it kinda pissed me off for the first 3 quarters of the story. I mean, I've heard it's a great read but it honestly did piss me off! Half the time I was thinking, "FUCK, how on earth can anyone be so freakingly mindlessly irresponsible!?~!" Some examples for those who dun already know, she basically fucks up and decides to avoid the problem by just shutting it out, shopping more to get her mind off the problem when the problem IS her money management... getting people into shit because she was just too unbothered or too self-centered to think before speaking... hmm... okay.. she did try time and again to right the wrongs, pay her bills, save money.. but still.... ends up back to square one... Then, she just comes up with the stupidest lies time after time just to cover up one lie after another... pissed me off so bad, i almost wanted to stop reading the book. I wonder how on earth can she face herself looking into the mirror everyday?? (okay fine.. so i read with a lil too much emotion... i get too personal... it's just a book.. i knoe... but that's my problem) At least at the end of the day, she finally realised wat a prick she was becoming (a tad too harsh i suppose) and decided to face her problems head-on. Started picking up the pieces she left scattered when she freaked out and well... after facing the harsh reality, things go ta lil easier to handle and she became a changed person... well.. just slightly. Oh, and she ended up getting lucky too! BUT THAT'S NOT THE POINT.

Finished the book the very same nite/morning and then I started thinking about myself. Some sort of realisation hit me when I asked myself... "do people look at me like that??" Ok, while I'm proud to say I ain't no shopaholic, I must confess that words like clubbaholic and alcoholic HAVE been thrown in my face too many a times. "SHIT" The way she turned to shopping just to escape having to think about her mounting problems seemed to parallel the way I turn to drinking and that's when the alarm bells rang. The vicious cycle of having that ONE more drink and then end up messing up.. and then end up drinking more to escape the fact that I fucked up seem to be a cycle I can't quite get myself out of. Like the shopaholic, we find ourselves going down the spiral again and again before hitting a final ditch where everything get's stagnant, where nothing's changed nor is it getting better.

Methinks I'm kinda in that state right now. Been saying I gotta, wanna, haveta, MUST start saving money. Been saying I wanna start a healthy lifestyle*BAH* exercise a lil, lose a lil weight, tone up a lil... *PUI* Been saying i wanna take up something new or get back to letting my fingers run up and down a piano... NOT DONE. Been saying I wanna club less and drink less but it's so not happening. All I've achieved thus far is to lose my things and chalk up payments for nicky's car accident *BLEAH* I don't think i need another fuck up before really lose my mind.

So I guess the book's pretty ok afterall. Made me realise what I had to realise. It's not about realising it but realising that I will actually loathe myself if i were my friend. Anywayz, I just had to get this out. And who knows, when i start turning my life around... maybe I'll get lucky! BUT THAT'S NOT THE POINT! *teeheehee*