issues

i'm not quite sure of what's happenin with the blog. seems like alot of the edit options are missing. maybe it's just the version that's not compatible with my mojo. but then again, i'm not sure, still got lots to learn about this new plaything.

i'm not quite sure about my future, maybe it's the fact that there's only 2 more yrs to go before i really quit and dive into my dream of doing wedding planning full time. i dunno if i can leave my comfort zone, my current lifestyle and more importantly, the fact that there is actually a steady income month after month and i can still travel the world. maybe i'm just scared of the unknown, but who isn't?

i'm not quite sure about what's happening with my life, more specifically, emotionally. i feel increasingly distant and decreasingly willing to give anything. i think i fall in and out of love/crush/infactuation/interest in people too quickly and it's honestly not too healthy. alright, make that not healthy at all. i need to fall in love graduadually rite? but... i can't help it when i'm swept off my feet that easily. maybe i'm a sucker for that rush. maybe i'm still very immature. maybe i just dunno what i want or what i'm losing until i've lost it. but we learn from mistakes, dun we? maybe some take a longer time. maybe i'm one of the some.

i'm not quite sure about what i want in a person. someone who i think is perfect in almost everyway? or someone that i can talk to into the wee hours of the morning, about everything and nothing. someone with whom i share common interests with? or someone who is willing to let me indulge in my own shit. maybe it's a balance of both, but i dunno. opposites are suppose to attract, but what if you're not exactly entirely opposites?

i should be at the stage where i'm anchored enough to not float or drift around too much. but what if i dun feel ready to be anchored? what if, i just haven't found the right anchor?

the winds are blowing, the waves are crashing, the lightning is crackling across the sky and my boat is capsizing. i dunno why, i dunno how and i dunno what to do.

i know in every relationship, there's gotta be a certain amount of work and effort placed in it. but surely the foundation has to be the want and the desire to make it work, and not because one has to make it work for the sake of it. relationships are about doing it out of the desire to want to, not the obligation and responsibility to do so. i know that coz i've tasted the sweetness and pain of loving unconditionally so i know it exists. i'm not just thinking of a fairytale. i'm not fantasizing, i'm not being naive and unrealistic. it exists. i know it's somewhere. i just dunno where. yet.

i dun want falling in and out of love to become a cycle, it's already complicating enough.

why and how did everything get so screwed and fucked up!? why can't i stop fucking myself up as soon as everything's calm and peaceful??

i dunno what's going on. anymore. i'm sorry, maybe i'm just a little tired.