chapter i-have-no-idea-anymore

i've always believed that blogging is a sort-of psychiatrist, where i can just go and ramble on and on about things without having to feel judge (and even if i am, at least i didn't have to see the shaking of heads, disappointment in the face of whoever's listening, or feel like someone's eyes are just boring down at me).

i just looked back at my oldest oldest posts, and i really thank god that this whole blog thingy came at a right time coz it salvaged my sanity.. or more like my friend's sanity. at least they didn't really have to hear me go on and on about the same things over and over again.

reading what i wrote since day one back in 2004, besides feeling a wave of ouch while reading the earlier posts, i realised i kinda bit my ass in certain ways...

made fun of me meeting some taiwanese guy and saying it's impossible to actually be in taiwan speaking mandarin and guess where i just got back from!?

said i've learnt that loving too much will hurt myself more... so i took my own silly advice and gave myself way too many shots at finding love, not loving or giving so i wun hurt anymore... which all ended up to be short lived ones which i'd killed with my own hands when i've had enough...

going back and forth.. hurting people along the way just to make sure i dun get hurt anymore...

convincing myself that someday i'll find someone that will make it all worthwhile and that i'll be happy again... thank god i did...

and the fact that these blogs are still around reminds me of how much i've grown, fallen, stood up, jumped and leaped over the years. the dates show me how much time i've taken to heal, climb out of my black hole and hopefully stay there.

it's been wild, messy, unhealthy, disappointing but.... i'd like to think some parts actually brought hope and faith and gave strength to people who wanna take that ride into the unknown. i hope... whatever i wrote can be a living proof that life is still worth living... love is still worth waiting for and that it is never too late to pick oneself up.

it's gonna be another chapter now that i'm back in sg... another huge mountain to climb. it will hardly get easier, especially with the market being crap now.. so i guess what i wanna say is that life is yet to be perfect but hey, that's life! i guess if it really gets perfect, then... what next?

i still wouldn't exchange my life for anything else... as fucked up as i made it, it's what makes me.

just please dun use this as an excuse to fuck urself up and say.. diana did it and came out alive... my biggest problem is i can be unhealthily positive... and there's a price to pay for that.

so there...