strawberry toes and blood red nails

Just a post while i'm waiting for silly billy nails to dry so i can head to bed.

I'm tired... methinks I'll pack my bag tomorrow morning, which means i gotta wake up slightly earlier tomorrow.. later i mean.. prolly about.. 5am?? yep yep..

So many thoughts running through me head today. I'm suppose to be carefree and happy and alll but i realise i'm not quite exactly that. Maybe it's just me shutting whatever potential happiness that I might have - pun totally intended - by drinking and dancing it away.

So you ask, what fun or joy do i derive by clubbing. I say... it's really the company, knowing that nobody really bothers about whoever's dancing next to you except the friends you're with of course, and vice versa. Conversations, we have a few... not deep philosophical, religious, political stuff but stuff that kinda really matters to your heart - like how you're doing and are you happy and all. Ultimately, it's not about the job we're doing or how much we're earning... ultimately, as long as you go to bed everynite feeling contented with what happened in the past 12 or 18 hours (as long as you're awake), you're good to go. And it may seem like it's a total waste of time, but i do feel happier when i'm lost in the music, the beats, the dance and the intoxication. Excuses, reasons, sad, pathetic or watumacallit, it helps me sleep better. I may be cheating myself into feeling so peaceful everynite, but who cares.

Sometimes we get to a phase where we say, "i dunno what i want". Is it really because we dunno, or we know, but we can't bring ourselves to accept that fact? I guess deep down inside, we all have ideals, and that's really what we want. It's a matter of working towards that ideal to make it a reality, no?

"What ifs... should i... would i... could i.. but... but..." when all's said and done, I'll only have myself to blame. IF i miss out on someone out there who could make me happier. IF i only waited and not jumped to decisions. IF is a fucking irritating word coz it gives raise to hopes that, well, I dunno.. will or may eventually disappoint. "BUT WHAT IF?"... rite??

anywayz, methinks my nails are pretty alright for now. wash up and head to bed i shall. i dun think i do so good with quiet drinks coz it makes me think, which leads to things i dun quite wanna think about, which leads to moodiness.. like now. Hit me hard, drink and dance, at least i sleep straightaway without having to go through this mess in my head.

that's my problem lah... dun ask coz i dun wanna face it.