what am i doing?

I hope I dun sound shallow when I don't talk about things that really matter to people. Like passion for our job (or lack of it), or relationships (coz I could go on and on and on.. and on..and..) yea... or family values, friendship, politics, and all that.

Always hear myself complaining (of late) that we're all getting older.

Had a little conversation with my sister. It wasn't really a conversation actually. All she said was that she wanted tuition on a sunday so she can have saturday to do her own things. In which I replied, "what do you have to do??" You see, at sweet 16, we thought we were there, as in... having a good time with the close pals you've made after 4 yrs; being the Lao Jiao in school, knowing every inch of getting in and outta trouble. We thought we were the busiest people in the world juggling school work, eca (cca), O level pressure, church (for some), friends, relationships... blah blah... but actually, it was really just to study! And we wished we were older.

Now here we are... older yet not necessarily wiser, juggling yet another set of problems. Now we have bills to settle, work politics, our own ethics and morals to keep in control, saving up for the house, the wedding, ang baos, more relationship problems as they get increasingly warped. Staying ahead is no longer just about the books. It's making sure when the ship sinks, you are able to keep afloat. Anyone can sink.. just not me.. or the people around me.

I still get jealous easily, I still get confused easily, I still feel threatened easily. Methinks over the years my confidence has been a little off track. Maybe it was just me feeling alll so sure of myself then when I had something sure to lean on as opposed to now, when... nothing's ever as certain as I wish it was. Now, I always go back to thinking... i have to do this or that to be better than this or that. It sucks. Growing up sucks.

I hate to know I have to compete coz I hate the feeling of not being sure. But what if he or she's better...? And when I know I can be sure, I choose to take the more difficult route because of what? - the challenge.

Sigh... just a passing random thought. What if I decide to do a little "sweet november" stunt? Like give the guy a month, just that the stakes are a little different coz I'm not actually dying. Imagine, knowing that you'll only be together for that month, then moving on. But within that month, you really really live for the moment and each other. It sounds almost like a fling on hindsight.. but hey.. it's planned and there's more emotions involved than that of a fling, so it's technically NOT a fling. Quite sweet wat!! Hur hur.. only if both parties understand fully the works of it lah.

It must be the time of the night. I can't believe what I'm thinking of suggesting. I'm going nuts!! That's why I hate talking about things I think about... coz I'll go crazzzzyyy!! bleah!