virgin post from commonwealth

i'm formulating what to say to my prospective boss when i call her tomorrow about my job and salary. obviously.. the offer wasn't the best.. but it's something somewhere to start with and in my current financial state, i dun really quite have a choice... 

take it... work for it.. survive for now...

dun take it.. wait it out... dunno how i'll survive till dunno-when... 

so i guess it's pretty logical what i should do, eh?

seriously, at the end of the day... what matters most.. are either time, money,  job satisfaction. 

say.... i luuurrveee my job... it's doesn't pay much, and the time i spend on it is substantial. at least i'm happy when i'm at work, and if i love my job, it's not quite a job anymore.. ya?

say... i am paid tons and tons of mooolah... but i dun have the time nor job satisfaction. at least hey.. i have the money to go on trips or buy stuff once in a while that will in turn buy.. some, ahem, happiness. ya? 

say... i dun get much money... and i dun really like my job. but if i can clock in and out and then the rest of the day is mine to enjoy, why not? at least... the rest of my time can be spent on more money making opportunities, or doing stuff that i enjoy doing... then ya!

if it fulfills none of the above, then maybe it IS time to look for greener pastures. 

don't we just wish we can find the perfect job that satisfies all three?? 

peter's checked into his lovely hotel at NUH, prolly sleeping or trying to stay still as i type this post. the poor boy's gonna be so bored without internet or teevee and i can't even stay later or stay over coz it's a male ward. and i dunno.. they are prolly afraid horny crippled men might try to hobble their way around... bleah.. 

i hope all goes well with the least amt of pain as possible coz the less they touch, the less the pain, the faster he heals... i'm hoping i dun snap while dealing with getting a job, the girls, the house and still being an emotional support to him... gawd i need a hell lot more patience now... ahhhh!!!!

hmmm.. on a sidenote... i need to exercise!! 

 

chapter i-have-no-idea-anymore

i've always believed that blogging is a sort-of psychiatrist, where i can just go and ramble on and on about things without having to feel judge (and even if i am, at least i didn't have to see the shaking of heads, disappointment in the face of whoever's listening, or feel like someone's eyes are just boring down at me).

i just looked back at my oldest oldest posts, and i really thank god that this whole blog thingy came at a right time coz it salvaged my sanity.. or more like my friend's sanity. at least they didn't really have to hear me go on and on about the same things over and over again.

reading what i wrote since day one back in 2004, besides feeling a wave of ouch while reading the earlier posts, i realised i kinda bit my ass in certain ways...

made fun of me meeting some taiwanese guy and saying it's impossible to actually be in taiwan speaking mandarin and guess where i just got back from!?

said i've learnt that loving too much will hurt myself more... so i took my own silly advice and gave myself way too many shots at finding love, not loving or giving so i wun hurt anymore... which all ended up to be short lived ones which i'd killed with my own hands when i've had enough...

going back and forth.. hurting people along the way just to make sure i dun get hurt anymore...

convincing myself that someday i'll find someone that will make it all worthwhile and that i'll be happy again... thank god i did...

and the fact that these blogs are still around reminds me of how much i've grown, fallen, stood up, jumped and leaped over the years. the dates show me how much time i've taken to heal, climb out of my black hole and hopefully stay there.

it's been wild, messy, unhealthy, disappointing but.... i'd like to think some parts actually brought hope and faith and gave strength to people who wanna take that ride into the unknown. i hope... whatever i wrote can be a living proof that life is still worth living... love is still worth waiting for and that it is never too late to pick oneself up.

it's gonna be another chapter now that i'm back in sg... another huge mountain to climb. it will hardly get easier, especially with the market being crap now.. so i guess what i wanna say is that life is yet to be perfect but hey, that's life! i guess if it really gets perfect, then... what next?

i still wouldn't exchange my life for anything else... as fucked up as i made it, it's what makes me.

just please dun use this as an excuse to fuck urself up and say.. diana did it and came out alive... my biggest problem is i can be unhealthily positive... and there's a price to pay for that.

so there...

i'm home?

i said goodbye to my colleagues countless times coz i just had so many things to handover to them and the office is just next door... so why not, eh? had a farewell lunchie courtesy of the boss and i had to give a freaking speech. i honestly didn't know what to say to him... cept, thank you for everything i've learnt. (BLEAHHHH!!!) aiyah.. he's a nicer person when he's just a friend. this everyone in taipei, ex-employees, ex-colleagues agrees... so it's not just me. ah well...

they asked what i'd miss most about taipei... i didn't know what to say. the food? definately... the people? well, i'd say selectively, there will be people i will definately miss. the shopping? well, i only managed to really shop during my last week there so... nah.. being in taiwan for holiday is good, for work.. forget the luxuries and the clubbing.

as i said my goodbyes to the new friends i've made, i thanked God for adding more footprints in my life... and i know i've added some colour in theirs too. you can tell when the friendships are lifelong ones.

i said goodbye to my apartment, the one i helped picked out, and decorated. loved it... and realised there are so many more details of the apartment that i only discovered during my last 3days in taipei. realised how much of life i neglected while trying so hard to make ends meet and then coming home just to sleep.

i said goodbye to my girls knowing they'll join me in sg really soon and that miraculously, they will be out of quarantine by christmas!! things do work out sometimes... someway, somehow.

said goodbye to my baby and i know he was already missing me the entire day before i left. and i know how it feels... missing someone even though they are right beside you. even though he'll join me in 9 days... fuck man.. i'm so freeeking needy!! bleah!!

i got to the airport and as i sat in the waiting area and thereafter in my seat... i started to tear and fought the urge to cry as the reality of leaving taipei finally hit me. i know i haven't really stayed there for a loooong time... but i've grown to love certain things about that place that coming home actually makes me slightly nervous. flashes of when i was a crew and this lady who was sitting and quietly wiping tears from her eyes came back to me... i remembered asking if she was alright and she said ya.. she was just sad that she was leaving home.

i found myself doing exactly what she did... i dunno why i felt sad... am i leaving home or coming home? where exactly is home now?