one sweet last day

tonight marks the last nite that my grandfather's body remains by our side. from the time i heard the news from my sister after touching down in frankfurt and leaving in 12 hours to catch the earliest flight home, from the time i stood by his side asking why couldn't he wait for another 8 days for me to come home, from the time we started the entire wake till tonight, we've all been busy. busy making sure guests get their drinks, nuts, money collected... busy making sure family members get sufficient rest and food... busy making sure everything is in working condition.

but even with the buzz around, one thing stood out everynight during service. the message of how we are never in control of our lives, how short and fragile it is, but how meaningful it can be when you know what you're living for, you know where you're heading to and you treasure everyone that God has put in your path.

a thought struck me tonight as i listened to the msg. the pastor recalled how my grandfather would pick himself up despite being in a wheelchair just to make sure he attends service every single sunday, how he would dress immaculately, confidentally and faithfully go to church week after week even though he's only known christ after my grandmother passed away. i realise that it was the belief that he will one day be reunited with his wife again in heaven and the love for her made him strong enough to praise God fervently believeing that He was the only way.

even at his deathbed, a coupla days before he passed on, he would, in his faintest whispers, sing praises to God. the last significant thing i managed to do was to hold his hand while he personally said a prayer, asking simply for comfort and a good nite's sleep.

told my cousin that even though we haven't always been around, we've all been given the opportunity to spend a little quality time as he hopped from home to home staying for a month each. an entire lifetime and it was only duing the last weeks at my place that i got to spend an extended period of time with him, kiss him, hold his hand and whisper “公公，去睡覺了。“

i love him and i love all my other grandparents that have gone on long before him. each and everyone have been significant and have been a big huge part of what i've become. i was afraid i wouldn't feel this way about this particular grandpa at first coz we haven't been significantly close or anything but i realise it's never too late to touch and be touched by someone.

i'll always remember that nite when u held my hands and whispered that prayer.

the ability to be random

so i'm trying to figure out how the hell am i suppose to pack my room. i really dunno how i managed to squeeze all that shit into my room but i'm gonna have to clear it before i leave for taipei. if not... erm... methinks, at least it'll give me something to do during the 2nd half of dec when i'm jobless. that, and preparing for christmas. i wonder what we're gonna do this yr. or if we'll even be doing anything. or is everyone gonna be celebrating with other halves. i better start planning something with the singles. ha! or stay home and (learn to) cook turkey.

maybe i should quit after i get my bonuses. but that's just gonna drag till my contract ends and beyond. anywayz, cleaning up my room may take more time to be completed. so we'll see. i'm just procrastinating as much as i can because it's.. quite a daunting task.

if i'm so bored at home on my off days, with boredom and the stress of cleaning up my room, do you think that i'll go mad? *picture hair all over the place holding plastic bag, face mask and shitload of paper* if i recycle all the paper and stuff in my room, maybe i could save a coupla trees, do something good for the environment. okay.. i'm gonna do that. distribute my shit to recyclables and non-recyclables.

maybe i could do some volunteer work. eh.. maybe i could go for a crash course on make-up and get a cert! oh.. or a crash course on exotic or belly dancing.. or salsa or lindy hop.

oooh.. suddenly so many things to do before i leave... i'm getting excited again.

okie.. now i go help prissy la la with research.

back to english.. finally..

oh! haha! apparently all i had to do to change my language back to english was a click of a button away. but because the entire blogsite was in mandarin, i never realised the option was there. haha! ditz moment 101.. but hey, i got my english settings back! yay!!!

am currently (still) working on my silly resume that's driving me nuts. first i've got to find the appropriate job description, phrase it nicely, then figure out how to translate the entire blardy thing. which reminds me, i need to buy a freaking english-chinese dictionary the next time i'm in taiwan.

granddad's finally regained consciousness this morning and seems he recognises faces as well. according to the ct scan they did for him the nite he got admitted, his brain's pretty mangled up so... i guess... well... count down begins... and i've got to make an effort to be there as often as i can. looking at him reminds me of how i lost gonggong and mama... never fails to make me tear. and i never knew, but apparently he's english name is james.

just out of pure curiousity... 如果一個人很在乎朋友和家人的看法，很從事他們怎麼想，一切都要讓別人高幸就好，自己怎麼能真的開心？那一個人要讓多少步，聽從多少次，才算夠了，才會為自己想呢？如果愛一個朋友或家人都不同意的人，你會不會不關別人的想法，每天要吵要鬧也要去愛那個人，然後讓時間證明一切？

i always thought that one of the most impt hurdle my potential whoever has to go through are my friends. that if they don't click, then... it's out of the question. in fact, more important to have my friends approve than my family approve coz my family has always been pretty open and easy-going. but i've also come to realise that i'm the one ultimately that's gotta approve of whoever, myself. i guess using friend's approval is just an excuse for saying yes or no, rite?

好相每個人都看他不順眼，可是我還是很喜歡很喜歡，大家也拿我沒辦法。可是如果自己也不是說很喜歡那個人，朋友再怎麼喜歡，我還是會找結口分手。

so my point is this. i admire people around me who have taken that bold step of being with someone they love despite the lack of support. coz ultimately i believe that they will come around and see the person for who he or she is. i'm sorry if i've ever made anyone feel like i didn't approve of their relationship. i must've had my reasons but hey.. who am i to say anything? coz at the end of the day, the one who's happy, the one who's in the relationship, the one who ultimately ends up marrying the person is you, not me, not ur friends, nor ur family.

and as long as you're happy. that's what matters. but of course if shit hits the fan, i'll help to clean it up. i'm just being practical coz shit happens whether u like it or not...

and that's what my friends and family tell me all the time anywayz...

勇敢的去愛吧！！！！*exclaims to the... er... world* (ooh i love that i'm getting a hang of this chinese thingy)

one heck of a nite

hmmm... this is irritating. mojo isn't working so i have to use the comp in my hall. the silly billy blog is still in chinese but the good thing for everyone else, i can't use any chinese fonts. so am stuck with engrish.

had a nice girlie dinner with dee and val (an hr later) at cafe 211 at holland v. the food was yums but service was a little... weird. we asked for serviettes and they gave us 2 pieces. asked for somemore, and we got another 2. do we actually have to specify we need maybe 4 or 5 pieces, 1 for each glass coz there were no coasters and 1 to wipe up the water that has already condensed and dripped onto the table? oh, maybe another 3 more so we can wipe our mouth? sheesh.

but other than that, the food was pretty good and the atmosphere was nice. of course, nothing beats the company. listening to dee talk about bitch of a boss, work, then listening to val talk about bitch of a boss and work.. haha.. honestly, the grass only looks greener on the other side but it almost seems like, everywhere you go, it's gonna be the same deal, same shit, same bitches. i'm glad the weirdos i meet are mostly one-offs and that i dun actually have to see them anymore, unless i am that 'suay'. but shit happens.

then off to another nite at walas to be joined by prissy lala who decided to be graciously 3 hrs late. but it's okay. i punished her by ordering another beer and putting it on her tap. hur hur hur.

then i got a call from my sis crying her eyes out coz my granddad had sudden fits and a stroke and was coughing blood.

thanks to pris's new beau, heh, they got me to the hospital in a flash and i spent the rest of the nite waiting with my parents and sis. my head was spinning not from the beer but just, i dunno, it's been aching since i got to taiwan.

it's when i see shit like this, when i sit in the hospital and look at people being wheeled in, when i talk to friends and hear their condition, i realise. damn, i should stop whining abt my fuckin headache and be thankful, content and happy with what i have now.

granddad's still unconscious, cancer has spread to his braincells........

.......

and the only thing i can do is to pray that his pain goes away....

looking back at my other grandparents.. i'm glad i even get to pray for him now.

that's life, eh?