Freedom to live + feel = Freedom to get hurt
Phew! Just got back from a Manila quickie and I'm so happy to be alive.
Am gonna meet the gals, namely Sharon and Gracia for yet another nite out. I dunno how long I can keep up with this man. Something tells me I might crash someday, either while clubbing or drinking.
Life's been pretty good so far, finally settled things at home and am getting back in the working groove. The only downside to this job's that, really, once u touch down, it's basically freedom time and I dun really have to be thinking about work at all. Sometimes I think it kills the brain cell and what with the drinking I've been doing these coupla weeks. Think I'm gonna die young, which I dun mind actually, but at least, let me know who my husband is first.. haha.. I STILL wanna at least live through a honeymoon. *grinzz*
Aimless I am, actually, trying to find things to do to occupy my time while I'm here. Don't get me wrong. I love my job... nothing beats the travelling. It's just that at the end of the day, I honestly hope I wun look back and go.. hmmm.... that's it?? I guess I should go out and embrace whatever life throws at me, hold it by the horns and take everything in stride. Unfortunately, I think my doing that is actually doing me more damage than good.
"Impulsive" is the key word. Reckless living. Come what may. Live life to the fullest. Fuck around, fuck up and fuck off. I pray I dun let myself become too numb and cynical. The scariest part of it is I'm feeling bad coz I'm NOT actually feeling all that bad abt something I SHOULD feel bad about. But then again, I'm only freaking 23... should just enjoy life and be happy, no? Sometimes this shortlived happiness can be the most enriching and fulfilling experience you can ever live through - or that's what I'd like to think. BUT... am I then discounting what true, longterm happiness can bring?
Er... I'm asking too many questions. Questions I can't bear to answer and dun really wanna answer, or have answered. I hate the feeling of not being in control. I may SEEM like I'm in control, but I'm wrecked. Rotting from inside, I fear becoming...
I feel like crying and letting my emotions run wild. I feel like bungy jumping. I feel like calling him and telling him how much I fucking hate not knowing how he feels.
I hate getting drunk and losing control. I hate headaches and motion sickness the next morning. I hate feeling like I need something more than just being happy with myself. I hate being alone and I hate not liking to be alone coz I know sometimes being alone is all I need.
Seems so damn freaking angsty huh, this post...
As irritating as it sounds, I'm also pretty easily contented. REALLY. So... all I wanna do now is to curl in his arms and sleep there. And the dumbass will ask "why issit that you actually fit so comfortably in my arms ah??"
Sighh... why the hell do I always get myself into these shit situations???
Am gonna meet the gals, namely Sharon and Gracia for yet another nite out. I dunno how long I can keep up with this man. Something tells me I might crash someday, either while clubbing or drinking.
Life's been pretty good so far, finally settled things at home and am getting back in the working groove. The only downside to this job's that, really, once u touch down, it's basically freedom time and I dun really have to be thinking about work at all. Sometimes I think it kills the brain cell and what with the drinking I've been doing these coupla weeks. Think I'm gonna die young, which I dun mind actually, but at least, let me know who my husband is first.. haha.. I STILL wanna at least live through a honeymoon. *grinzz*
Aimless I am, actually, trying to find things to do to occupy my time while I'm here. Don't get me wrong. I love my job... nothing beats the travelling. It's just that at the end of the day, I honestly hope I wun look back and go.. hmmm.... that's it?? I guess I should go out and embrace whatever life throws at me, hold it by the horns and take everything in stride. Unfortunately, I think my doing that is actually doing me more damage than good.
"Impulsive" is the key word. Reckless living. Come what may. Live life to the fullest. Fuck around, fuck up and fuck off. I pray I dun let myself become too numb and cynical. The scariest part of it is I'm feeling bad coz I'm NOT actually feeling all that bad abt something I SHOULD feel bad about. But then again, I'm only freaking 23... should just enjoy life and be happy, no? Sometimes this shortlived happiness can be the most enriching and fulfilling experience you can ever live through - or that's what I'd like to think. BUT... am I then discounting what true, longterm happiness can bring?
Er... I'm asking too many questions. Questions I can't bear to answer and dun really wanna answer, or have answered. I hate the feeling of not being in control. I may SEEM like I'm in control, but I'm wrecked. Rotting from inside, I fear becoming...
I feel like crying and letting my emotions run wild. I feel like bungy jumping. I feel like calling him and telling him how much I fucking hate not knowing how he feels.
I hate getting drunk and losing control. I hate headaches and motion sickness the next morning. I hate feeling like I need something more than just being happy with myself. I hate being alone and I hate not liking to be alone coz I know sometimes being alone is all I need.
Seems so damn freaking angsty huh, this post...
As irritating as it sounds, I'm also pretty easily contented. REALLY. So... all I wanna do now is to curl in his arms and sleep there. And the dumbass will ask "why issit that you actually fit so comfortably in my arms ah??"
Sighh... why the hell do I always get myself into these shit situations???
posted by ah_bu @ 7:16 PM
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