the peeking sun...

ah haa... here i am complaining that i'm ultra stresed yet at the same time i can log on nite after nite talking to myself.. let's explain why... because everyday after the man accompanies me at work from 7 to 11pm, we get home and he heads straight to the other bitches... living and non-living... leaving me... well.. ah well...

tired yet i dun wanna sleep coz time at home is just too short. i feel like i wanna spend more awake time just being around the house, couch potato or not and watch the girls .. bite each other to death. i just feel like once i go sleep, i'll just wake up to work the next day.. so i wanna savor this moment of out-of-office time.. even if i'm dead tired, and no one's talking to me anyways...

(other than brandy who's staring and panting at me)

i don't geddit.. we type at work and look at the comp day in and out and when i get home, i'm still on the comp. typing in a different language is still typing! no... i dun have much company.. the people i hang out with sit beside me every single day of the week. no... i dun have a life...

but i'm content... and i'm happy... coz i've got what i've always dreamt of panting, lying, sitting in front of me... while we all sit, pant, lie down in silence, i know we all just enjoy the quiet calmness... a kind of peace that u just know we got each other's backs... as soon as one moves, all other 3 of us turns.. yes.. dog or man.. so.. i sigh my first contented sigh in a week.. and i tell myself.. life can't be that bad when i have what i have..

and once i click publish post... i go back to reality, snapped out of my contentment and plunged back into this strange phenomenon called life.

wishing..

sigh.... sometimes i think everything's alright, or gonna be alright, and then shit hits me in the face. i guess the bad habit of taking things easy for the past coupla years are starting to take its toll.

......

shit.. i dun even know what to say. i'm trying not to mop but i just feel like curling up and not go to work somedays. other days i wish i had 48 hours in a day so i can stop rushing... most days work consumes me so much, i go home just to sleep and shower. i dun think i can ever live without any communication tools... but sometimes i just wish technology and everything that lets people contact me just get incinerated. go away...

i wish i could go home sometimes and just not care about money, swipe my card without a thought, take a cab without having to worry about how i'm gonna pay for my next meal or next fucking flight. i wish... i dunno what i wish for anymore.

i wished for a life of adventure, challenge, fun, love, responsibility..

in a literal sort of way i am getting what i wished for... but in a twisted kinda way, i forgot to consider the price i have to pay.

sigh.. there we have people really suffering and dying and not even knowing if they'd live through the next min... here i am sobbing about my shit. but.. i'm only human.. we are still allowed to feel shit about ourselves rite?

i don't geddit

there must be something wrong when my ulcers take more than two weeks to get better and less than 3 days to sprout out again and increase in numbers. i drink water.. i sleep.. i dunno what's wrong. fuck.

first it was my leg that had muscle inflammation , now it's my neck that's hurting like crazy. i dunno what's wrong! fuck...

why must it be endless pain!? why can't it just be weightloss??