angels or devils?

I feel like the only person who's still updating my blog. Hmm...

Went wakeboarding yesterday for a second time and by the end of the day, I was falling asleep at the dinner table, zombified while walking around vivo and force-fed ice-cream and all coz i couldn't be bothered lifting up an arm. Nope.. not even to drink water. Feeling damn nua now and almost... sad.

Must be because...

this is the last time that I'm ever gonna come here tonight
this is the last time - I will fall into a place that fails us all - inside

I can see the pain in you
I can see the love in you
but fighting all the demons will take time
it will take time

the angels they burn inside for us
are we ever
are we ever gonna learn to fly
the devils they burn inside of us
are we ever gonna come back down
come around
I'm always gonna worry about the things that could make us cold

this is the last time that I'm ever gonna give in tonight
are there angels or devils crawling here?
I just want to know what blurs and what is clear - to see

well I can see the pain in you
and I can see the love in you
and fighting all the demons will take time
it will take time

the angels they burn inside for us
are we ever
are we ever gonna learn to fly
the devils they burn inside of us
are we ever gonna come back down - come around
I'm always gonna worry about the things that could break us

if I was to give in - give it up-
and then take a breath - make it deep
cause it might be the last one you get
be the last one that could make us cold
you know that they could make us cold
I'm always gonna worry about the things that could make us cold

- Dishwalla

... my new favourite.

Happy deepa raya!

How I'm actually gonna pull this off, I have no idea, but by some pleasant coincidence, I'm going wakeboarding again!! Yippie!! Let's just say... for a virgin to complete two full u-turns and ride from one end to the other end on the first day is a feat. Ladidadida!! Actually, what i'm gonna try to pull off is to go wakeboard twice and pole dance in the span of 4 days. My muscles are actually aching right now and come wednesday... I dunno how long I can mount the pole for... hur hur...

Anywayz, time seems to fly especially when you're having a good time and before I know it, my 5 off days are almost gone! Sheesh... At least I know I've done something meaningful and educational. I want moments like this to pause.

Other times, like waiting for the silly cabbie to pick me up (since I dun have chauffeur) can take forever even though it's only 7min. Those times I wish I could forward it.

Those days when I didn't have to worry about money, love or beauty and all I could think about was volleyball, ,my friends, my piano, my guitar and.. (surprise surprise) church, I sometimes wish I could rewind and replay.

It's a love-hate situation with poly days I guess but there certainly were moments I wish I could just erase, others that I'll replay and even others that I wish time stood still.

Unfortunately... reality bites, sometimes pretty hard, and we end up having emotional, mental and physical bitemarks to prove it.

I know it's wierd sometimes when I almost feel a sort of rage... and air of serenity that takes place just seconds later. Sometimes I dun like what I hear but I force myself to ask questions that ultimately leads me to those answers. But i can't fucking help it! Like rubbing salt is really gonna make the ulcer disappear faster and I'm not just rubbing it in but trying to make sure it bleeds.

Haiyah... ultimately... we choose the life we live and nobody owes us their happiness...

I'm just slightly bummed out knowing that... I dun quite belong anymore... that's right... things will never be the same again.

This is life

Hallo from Frankfurt. Land of sausages.. hur hur... cute bartenders, and burkenstocks. :P

Thought about this when i was at my crew seat when we were touching down into frankfurt. When i saw the passengers in front of me straining their necks to look out the windows, looking at the city light get nearer and nearer, looking at everything getting bigger and bigger until the plane lands with light 'tud' on the runway.

I thought to myself. When was the last time I was so excited at looking out the window? Use to ask my mum when she was going on a business trip to taipei. I begged her to bring me along coz I've never taken a plane. My mum said... "someday, your turn will come". My first trip overseas was with my grandmama and my cousin to Hongkong. I remember that my mum actually teared.. my virgin plane ride!! Weee!!!

I always requested for a window seat for my subsequent holiday trips to bangkok and hongkong. I remembered taking pictures of the clouds that were fluttering outside the window. I remembered looking intently at whatever I could see below wondering if it was the big blue ocean or just vast and endless cloudless skies.

These days, however, I guess I've started taking all these beautiful little things for granted. Things that use to excite me in the past hardly make me bat an eyelid now.

Gone are the days I take long bus rides with me and my (then) discman. What happen to the days where I couldn't resist strawberry ice-creams or milkshakes? How long has it been since I sat in Macs for the entire afternoon nursing a coke and yummy fries and getting all excited when I find a crispy one? Where was the satisfaction when I could actually afford to buy my very own CD or afford to watch a movie or buy something to pamper myself?

These days... seems like it's always about how much money I can earn, how fast I can get to my intended location, how much fatter whatever I consume would make me? It's always about getting the job done that I never even looked out the small little window that showed me the world. Have things that really matter all become so small and insignificant? It's about activities and more activities to keep myself occupied. That, or I'm always alseep, recuperating from a long hard day at work or party. Is that called having a life?

So what on earth is having a life? I guess it's just being contented with whatever you're doing and happy doing whatever you're doing. Keeping yourself occupied with meaningful stuff but then again, meaningful is highly subjective. So... what am i saying actually?

Nothing much... just that i miss the things i use to love. I should start taking buses, eating ice-creams and all again.. that is if i dun get fat and my uniform gets too tight.. HA!! this is life.

Trying something out...

See how free i am when I'm alive and kicking in the freakin afternoon??

Anywayz, here's some highlights from my trip to edinburgh coupla weeks ago. Picture on the left is the owner of our b&b. Doggies.. macy, aila and shit.. i can't remember the 3rd one's name. Anywayz, bacon and eggs every morning wit a cuppa before we start the day!~













Over here. Welcome to Edinburgh castle. My favourite pic on the top extreme right. Somehow the silly program cuts of the nice bits so the pics' a little unjust. Anywayz, castles, churches and more buildings. Love the architecture not that I knew alot to begin with.

I just like it.. okay?? Feefee could've done much better I'm sure... sigh...



















More pictures below of me, adrian, ivan and of course, annnnnnah...





















That's me!! Hur hur hur... actually i was just trying to see how i looked but i didn't have a mirror at that time.



Adios!

*ARGHHH*

It can be small, it can be huge. Whatever it's size, it still makes a person go crazy. It can be behind, infront, hidden or exposed but wherever it is, it hurts. Sometimes a little, sometimes enough to make you cry. Other times though, u can't quite feel it there and things go back to it's usual bit. But as soon as u ever so gently touch it with just the flick of your tongue, all hell breaks lose.

But if you have to do it, you just have to coz nothing good comes easy. And so the first time, it bled. Subsequent times weren't rosy... but you get used to it after a while and after a while, you just rub it in harder and harder.

You can't eat properly, you can't sleep properly, you can't talk properly. Fuck, sometimes you even develop headaches because of it. The only thing worst than the pain it itself inflicts... is rubbing salt into it.

In this case, pain does not become pleasure.

God, I hate ulcers!

Pictures from LA

Alrighty, before i start getting lazy, here's some pics from my little short trip to universal studios.



Next one up, edinburgh!! *blows bagpipe*

Ouch

sigh...

Ever been in that situation where you try ur darn hardest to prevent your biggest, greatest fear from realising itself? You try, you give, you let go, you hang on but whatever hugeass round you make, you still stop at that point - the point when your biggest fear actually comes close to unleashing it's powers and causing damage to you? (too much WoW talk from adrian and ivan)- and then you retrack back to square one and once again you've prevented your biggest greatest fear from rearing it's ugly head.

Yippie... but...

What if you decide to take that ONE step forward into the unknown? For it is not what we know or can see that scares us but what we dun know that we fear. So I took that step into the unknown and guess what I found? - my greatest fear staring straight back at me.

It's not so much of a scary sorta fear or anything like that. In fact, it's nothing like that at all... nothing physical even though sometimes the pain can become physically tangible. Anywayz, my point is... it breaks my heart to see another heart broken. It tears me inside out to know that someone I love is experiencing the exact kinda pain I went through two yrs ago. But there's nothing I can do about it too. I mean I could, but that'll just be wrong and unfair.

Hope time will heal and tell what lies in store. You never know. You just never know, but never say never.

How do you love someone and fall in love all over again?

last day in london

That's it! Adrian just said it. I'm currently suffering from withdrawal, from something i can scarcely imagine ever feeling, again - and whatever you're thinking, it's not it, it's just one of my innocent moments.

Anywayz, we just got back from our highly eventful roadtrip to Edinburgh and now I'm more or less broke and waiting to go home. Why on earth does everything have to be so freakin expensive here??! TAMADE!~

Looks like aly just graduated!~ Hooorayy!~ Congrats!~ This means you guys are one step closer to coming back home!~ Now all we gotta do is wait for Char to be done with hers.

Oh, Iv got accepted into his new uni and will be starting school next week!~ Boy's hard work's finally seeing some light. Hopefully all will be good once school starts. Nothing else has changed though. He's still always... late.

Seems like the running theme throughout this entire holiday, or even my last flight to LA and Toyo has been summed up in 4 words. "Right person, right time". Isn't it true that many of us have definately met people in your lives that could've been... but under some circumstances, things go wrong and you guys split up. That doesn't mean he or she was the wrong person. Just that sometimes, the timing just isn't right. We can put in 101% of our hearts into making it work but if it isn't the right time, it's just not. But if the timing is right, the right one could just be standing right next to you and you'll suddenly say... "hmm! never seen it this way before?" And you'll know it without having to think much. It's not like you're rushing in because sometimes, something just clicks and ... you wun even know what hit you. I used to ask.. "how on earth would you know? How do you.. just know??"

But hey... as cliched as it sounds, you honestly... just know.

That said, hopefully when i get back, I'll have enough time to upload the pics from universal studios and Edinburgh.

"Just be there to catch me when I fall"