dictionary time!

hmm... according to annnah, i'm a manic depressive. i've heard of it but never really knew what it actually meant. so here goes:

manic-depressive illness n. See bipolar disorder

>> bipolar disorder
–noun Psychiatry.
an affective disorder characterized by periods of mania alternating with periods of depression, usually interspersed with relatively long intervals of normal mood.

methinks... annnah... might actually be rite!! this description is perfect.

i had fun in london and ivan makes a surprisingly good tourguide too! now all he needs to do is to learn how to drive and we're set for another roadtrip. more pics, erm.. another time... i just got back from london and i'm so tired... *yawnz*

fallen from grace

it's almost the end of my off days and i kinda feel like i haven't quite rested. prolly coz of the fact that i raced to holland v to meet adrian right after touching down, then spending the day looking for a bindi to go with my sari, before heading to the family chalet, bbqed, majonged before joe and pris arrived, goofed around with my cousins (we played charades) before heading home at 4am, testing out my sari and heading for the freaking wedding the following day at 9am(?!). Anywayz, here's how the entire sari thingy turned out.





nice nice??

and then it was another day of chalet.. before i finally went home at slept for more than 12 hours.

met up with an old friend last nite and something about meeting up with old friends, they actually remind you of your dreams and who you once were. according to him, given the benefit of time seperation, my change was... pretty significant. and he offered to voice coach me, which meant i have to give up smoking. as he puts it, either continue smoking and make myself hate music and singing, or save what i can still save, do something i still love to do and will never stop doing, and give up the bad habit. kinda like alot of things we go through these days huh... whether we wanna do what we want and pursue passion or stick to a habit just because it's been stuck with us and we're so use to it.

to put it simply, it's always either one or the other. we can't have our cake and eat it, and it's almost like the 'x & y' games we're been playing recently. it's always just a choice away.

still i dun doubt it's a difficult choice coz, back to what i was talking about, giving up something so embedded into you.. it's almost like telling me, "di, stop everything you're doing and go back to church." yeap.. that would most definately ROCK THE BOAT AND MY WORLD. and i dunno if i'm ready to give everything all up.

maybe i'll be happier? maybe i'll finally be free from pain? maybe i'm not beyond repair? but i dunno and am not quite ready to find that out coz it's scary. yes, i'm scared coz i still believe in what i use to believe in.

back to the much much smaller picture, all i wanna do is to heal my voice. small steps.. baby steps... breathe di.. breathe..

oh and not that it matters to anyone, but my fucking (er..opps) period is back.. after 5 days!?~!? wtf!~? i need a doc. ptui!

5 off days.. wat's there to do?

would you rather a moment of real passion or love?
would you rather have chemistry or passion or love?

i know it'll be great if you can have all three in a beautiful equilateral triangle but if you had to choose either one, what will you choose?

for me, it's prolly gonna be chemistry, passion then love.

you dun need 5 years to develop chemistry coz if it's there, you'll see it within a day, maybe 2.

if there's no passion, everything you do will start to look boring and stagnant and more importantly, there's no fire to even get anything done. no spark, what's the point?

we can fall in love over time, i guess. love keeps everything else going even when passion dies... but can u imagine being in a relationship where there's no passion? call me idealistic... but i can't.

aiyah.. just random thoughts after conversation with prissy la la and another friend while i was in seoul.

i'm gonna post pics of sari.. and alcatraz next.. time... when i get a chance to. haha... it's time to go and meet the world and civilisation! been cooped up in my family chalet last coupla days and now it's freedom!! not that i mind my family. i actually think they are all quite wacky, can? pris will agree.. HUR HUR HUR... *winkz*

in the middle of the nite

it's my last nite in seoul and the last nite of my entire flight. it's been long when you think about it, but not that long and i guess it was the company that made the huge difference. hugeass hugs and thanks to my darling binbin who gave away her flight to do mine. hehe... definately made a difference u have. come to think of it, i think it's always nice to be able to do a flight with people you know and are close to. it makes a difference even coz even though you're doing shit flights with shit passengers, your colleagues always make (or break) it for you.

this is mojo's first trip and he's been fantastic. keeping me company in the early hours of the morning when everyone was still sleeping. muakz!!

spent the last coupla nites in seoul drinking and meeting up with old friends. it's nice to walk into a pub and see people you know, then in comes another group and tadah!! someone else you know. sleezy bits of history some have but oh well.. shit happens and anyways, we're all good now, no?

i burnt a hole in my pocket in the meantime while i was in frisco. lotsa shit but.. big big hole. dammit.

oh!!! i went to alcatraz! the silly conceige guy who helped us book the tix actually made a mistake and booked us on the day we were leaving frisco. like.. hello??? i said tomorrow..and the 12 was not tomorrow unless he was following sg time lor! damn lucky we managed to speak to the manager who was really nice and got us on the next ferry and off we went!! more pics, as soon as i get them uploaded. (i realise everytime i say this, my pics will never turn out. argh) myself, binbin and charles got sunburnt, in freaking san francisco. our faces are peeling now, from a fucking tan in san francisco. how the fuck do people get sunburn? in san francisco!!?? hehe.. i could trace out the mark of my shades on my face. damn loser.

i bought a pair of shoes to go with my sari!! did i mention i'm gonna wear sari for my friend's wedding?? so damn fucking exciting! thanks to prissy la la and adrian who accompanied me to lil india. it's cream and fades to a deep green at the end of it. managed to do something to the inner top so i dun look like i have cone-shaped boobs. (which was really funny when i first tried it on). now i need a bindi, or some indian type accessories and i'm good to go!!

my back's acting up on me again and it sucks to know that there are certain things i can't quite do as often as i'd like to anymore.

sometimes i dun understand why i bother to even try to maintain a friendship when the other party obviously fuckin doesn't care.

oh well... shall not spoil my mood. time for a smokie breakie! i can't wait to go back! oh did i mention, the painful days are over!! everybody say.. YAY!!! *sheepish grin*

granddaddys and grandmummys

past coupla days have seen my aunties come in and out of my house in a bid to spend more time with and to take care of my grandfather. yes, the last of my grandparents, my mum's dad.

16 years ago when my grandmother (my mum's mum) died, i was only 9 and having a ball of a time holidaying at my auntie's place with my cousin. the phonecall came, we were told to pack up and head to toa payoh (where i lived) because she died. i remember being totally confused and stunned but i didn't dare ask any questions. just... "oh oh.. por por died? er... okay". what do u actually know to say when you're freaking 9 rite? plus we were expectin a happy birthday celebration for my sis who was turning 1 on that very same day.

about 7 years ago when my grandmama (my dad's mum) died, i was woken up by my mum rather rudely. banging on my door, she told me she's taking her to the hospital. i jumped out of bed and asked what's wrong? "short of breath" and with that, my mum and dad whisked her away to the hospital and i was to wake my sister up and explain things while waiting for the dreaded phonecall. which came about an hour later and by then, i was ready to grab my sister and make a dash for the hospital. i remembered not knowing what to do and all i could think of was calling the closest i had with me at that time. i called annnah and louis. and as i left for the hospital, i called annnah again and she came to the hospital with me. to see me through looking at my grandmama for the last time. it's amazing how u dun have to say anything, just a hug and i cried like crazy.

2 years after my grandmama passed on, i came out of radio class and got a coupla missed call from my mum and an sms to call her back immediately. i kinda knew what was wrong and was bracing myself for it. there, in the middle of the mcm office right outside heatwave studio, with everyone's lessons just ending and everyone was just hanging around, i walked a little away and heard my mum confirm my worst fears. ever since my grandmama passed on, never had there been a day my grandpapa didn't ask for her (or me). and even when i was there, he couldn't see or recognise me to know i'm me. all he asked was "where's mama? where's diana?" louis hugged me as i bawled my eyes out and skipped the rest of the days' lessons.

i remember running to por por's place (6th floor) everytime i had a mini fight with mama upstair (9th floor). or when i badly needed to use the toilet and there was someone already using it, i'll run to por por's place. then mama would have to come down and drag me upstairs. i remember the days watching smurf, carebears and sesame street and singing and dancing for her to watch and always waiting for her to say how well i sing and dance. that was my hideout, a place i could go to and just be spoilt.

i remember going to hongkong with mama to visit her sister coz she was afraid her sister might pass on. i dragged my cousin along for company and the 3 of us took off. ironic isn't it, that instead of her sister, she went off first. eating with my leg on the chair (think trishaw puller), loving chawamushi, learning and loving everything cantonese, in some ways, she molded me to become who i am now. methinks i got her height too coz looking at my mum and dad, erm... i shouldn't be this tall.

i remember my grandpapa always scolding me for singing at the dinner table and to put my legs down. i remember dragging him out, onto the mrt and giving my mum the shock of her life when i showed up at her office during lunch with him in tow. going to the coffeeshops where he'd drink his kopi and pour some in the saucer so i get to drink some too. then i remember carrying him to his room when he fell down, only to realise he broke his hip bone and had to be hospitalised.

now here i am, the grandparent that i have never quite been so close to living with me. the father my mum fears up till today, only because he is fiercely independent and quite vain. hainanese lah. he's staying with us for a bit coz we have space and because he's got to be on some portable oxygen system. diagnosed with lung cancer, he's too old to do anything about it and so we wait. i never quite had so much time especially since most of my grandparents died suddenly. and now, the opportunity stands right in front of me. to make up for the times i should've stay a little longer but didn't, the times i could have sat down for a meal with them but didn't, times when i could've given them a hug but i didn't and the next time i saw them, it was to say goodbye.

i've never been close to him but hey, it's never too late to start and maybe someday, i can say i remember him as someone more than just a grandparent.

tum tum pain pain!

*think of the most 'babyishly teh' voice to say the above and add a *pout* at the end of it*

sigh... after a good *ahem* 10 months of pad and tamponless days, today marks day one of my nonexistent period. and i'm cramping so badly it's not funny. it's like 10 months worth of blood and pain all gushing out at one go... i'm just hoping it wun last too long. the last time (10 months ago) was longer than 2 wks methinks. and that was just after 6 months of absence. holy shit.. 10 months... it's gonna last more than a month lor!!~!~!~!~! (is this too much information??)

oh my gawd.. wait.. period.. means... erm.. hmmm. oh well.. now i need to nurse myself and mourn the lost of my personal joy and freedom. what's personal you say? oh, u know me... u'll know.

*sheepish grin*

happy birthday mojo!

say hi to mojo who turns a days old in less than 6 hours time!!

my toyboy... my plaything... my white knight...

ok lah.. abit too much but yeap, i just bought me a macbook. yay!!!

anywayz, last nite's impromptu beer and pizza nite at adrian's place was just different. something about the time that most people went off reminded us that we're all no longer 18 when we can stay up till 5 am and squeeze more than 10 bodies in a room while sleeping. yeap, we're 25 where responsibilities of work, family, driving and just plain fatigue sets in. so by 1am, half the group left. the other half, namely the host, prissy la la, johan, joe and me were left playing guessing games followed by more noodles, followed by a short fooling around session with my mojo before we played a slightly more mind boggling game of "____ or ____" till 6am.

thus proving that we are still young and energetic!!!

no pole today so it's gym, hopefully sari and.. whatever... :P

good morning world

seems a little funny to be awake at 8 on a saturday morning because it's the first time i log on and NOBODY is online. sheesh... almost like the whole world is sleeping in and snoozing away and here i am, depriving myself of sleep.

actually, i confess, i'm not awake per say... i just haven't slept coz i just got back from maldives. hehe... everytime i'm online in the morning, everybody will just assume it's either because i haven't slept the nite before or i just got back from a flight. so there, u guys are right, again.

i had a really nice relaxing time in maldives listening to the waves and just chilling. wasn't even that hugely keen on getting a tan or doing anything else coz i figuered i'm already tan enough. any darker and i'll look like... i dunno... i'm cooked or something.

the highlight of the trip was actually a movie they showed on teevee. i know i've watched it before and i've talked and blogged about it before but watching the notebook again... it's so painfully, tragically sweet. can i just repeat myself and say that I AM IN LOVE WITH THE SHOW. something just... i dunno... oh well... anyways, i told the rest i'm staying in for a bit to finish up the show before joining them for lunch. bawled my eyes out, as usual.

i need a love like that. i need to fight and make up. i need passion.