feeling a little volatile

不知道為什麼，我這個 blog 的 page 遍遍要被 stuck 在華文的 mode。害到我要一天到晚看 traditional chinese 字。哈哈哈！！天啊！我真的是超亂啊！！ 可是要看在我很非常非常的用心給我多一點分啦。

前天跟老媽聊天時，跟她提出到台北找工做時，問她可不可一幫我看看她公司在台北的部門需要人幫忙嗎？她拒然說ok，會幫我打聽打聽。哇！我自己也不敢相信她原來那麼 supportive！好開心啊！！

ok。as usual... i'm tired after that outburst of chinese compo. shit man.. do you realise it's almost like me writing a freaking lousy primary school standard chinese compo?? I might as well throw in 風和日’li’ see lah.. i dun even know which 'li' to use. ahhhhhhhh!!!!!

anywayz, life's been pretty good. so far so good i must say. good meaning, i'm actually not screwing up or screwing anyone else's life up. i actually feel 'clean', like... no more sleazy, drunkard, i-dunno-what-the-fuck-happened sleazy shit. finally finished up with the ROM job i got. it was okay... nothing fantastic, could've been better but I guess i was kinda rusty. No excuses though... it's time i buck up.

what irks me most was that as much as, yes, the couple were possibly and probably the most friendliest couple in this millenium, everyone wanted to talk to them despite knowing that they were suppose to do their freaking tea ceremony before lunch commences! so... here i have my couple trying to walk to the front of the hall so they can commence their tea ceremony, there i have, people suddenly stopping them in their tracks and making stupid small conversations! like.. come on.. if you were impt, you wun have to wait till the wedding day to gush over the bride and congratulate the groom and blah blah... it just feels like one of those... they HAVE to talk to the couple.. and let people see them talking to the couple so they feel fucking important. i mean... urrghhh...

and then, they had to get SO many freaking photographers to take pics!! i mean, what's the point of even hiring one if you have another 10 waiting and taking up good photography spots and destroying the pictures by being IN the picture of the official photographer!?

oh.. lastly, my groom got drunk. that's funny lah... he's the 2nd groom in the history of my wedding planning career that I've seen drop like a fly. it was amusing until this fucking friend decided to put the blame on me (in front of his other friends, albeit jokingly... but STILL???) saying as wedding planner i should've helped the groom 擋酒. for goodness sake... then wat's the point of having the freakin brothers there?

urgh.. u know.. sometimes i wonder... do i really still love planning weddings or issit something i've made myself believe to love? do i? do i really?? in anycase, the fucker of a friend of the groom is still hounding me with smses and phonecalls (after pretending to be a potential client to get my no.) like.... FUCK OFFFFFF. go awayy!! wat's with me, guys and weddings anyway!?~ sigh.. not that it's all bad.. but.. aiyah!! not the point..

okay.. i'm suppose to be happpy. kekeke... no seriously, so pls pardon the outburst of vulgarity. i just don't like having to deal with irritants like that.

other than that, i am. the thought of leaving sq, the thought of finding something else to do. the thought of starting my life on a fresh clean slate. i knoe the shit i've done can never be erased. they've also done me no good cept to keep me firmly planted on my bed of thorns and roses. but they are the also the things that help me appreciate the good, the beautiful, and the simple in life. and for that, i thank god. and being at peace with him, actually makes me feel happy. like, i know there's nothing and there's no need to hide, anymore.

but once again, ... i'm not perfect and i'll never be. i'll make mistakes again, i'll screw up again but that's life, eh? i'll try NOT to though...

brings me to another point. do you really need to be in love or is seriously like someone, or even maybe an infactuation or hugeass crush, whatever.. but at which point will you allow it to get serious to the point of potentially breaking someone elses's heart? and how will you know, how do you tell one feeling from the other?

i'm just blabbering, in case you're wondering, NO, contrary to popular belief, I'M NOT TALKING ABOUT ME.

hokay! time to go shower!! i smell of aircraft!!

blabberings from lax

我的天啊！原來用中文，由其是凡替字真的很有髫戰型！我連正確的字都不知道選的對不對。所已請不要笑hor！

就這樣啦，我看到有一點累了。要改用回英文了！

did anyone bother to read the above?

yes, in my attempt to ahem.. improve my mandarin, my friends have been typing to me in chinese characters. and i've been working on my resume, trying to translate proper terms into phrases that make sense and using the correct characters for the correct words. It takes me an average of.. erm.. 5 to10 min to work out a complete phrase (yah.. not even sentence coz i'm using point form). haha.. how pathetic.. hur..bleah.

anywayz, am in LAX now and i must say, it's been pretty fruitful. Yes i may have spent a helluva time working on the resume but it's ALMOST done! constructive i must say! Everybody say.. huurayy..!~ ya.. i'm going nuts. it's really driving me crazy!

my wrists still hurt like crazy and i wonder what the x-ray results will say. it's not a muscle thing lor but i dun think it's anything serious lah.. if not, how to wakeboard? or do pole? or.. do anything!? I can't rest my head on my hands without going 'ouch' man. good lah.. quit my job and start healing my body.. sheeet man, first it's my back, then my wrist. i'm gonna be bedridden if i dun quit soon.

apparently, according to my church mentor, this stewardess that he knows has never missed a sunday service or a cellgroup. it seems, i mean.. she must've prayed and well.. He answered but.. walao! never missed a friday cell or sunday service?! that means she got alot of weekends off lah!! damn lucky can? how come i hardly see weekends in sg? ahem.. i know that's not the point but.. ya...not fair.

i know i'm being very random, bouncing off here and there. i miss my friends!! i haven't seen much of anyone lately! it's always me work they free. they work, me free!! methinks i see my banana in taiwan more than i see the rest in sg lor!!

any plans for halloween? i mean.. it's halloween!! shall we do something? pretty pretty please?

methinks it's the sugar rush talking (diet coke has less sugar or no sugar?).

girlies, if u read this, please, can we do something?... i miss u all so sooo much.

testing waters part 2

in the spirit of testing waters, i dropped a little hint here and there about the idea of me taking up pole dancing to my dad. who remained silent throughout the time i was talking. then the next day during dinner, he suddenly raised the topic and told my mum that i was 'thinking of taking up pole dancing'. imagine the shock and horrors if they knew. ahh well..

so it seems, after i've spoken in a little more detail to my mum about me looking for a job outside of singapore. actually, turns out that her major concern wasn't abt me leaving sg (although she's rather me not go) but that she just didn't want me to screw up my life with my current lifestyle. (which i dun understand... coz i hardly party anymore and i'm hardly smoking, and other than the occasional drinking, i'm hardly drunk lor!!) sigh.. ohh welll...

but in anycase, i've come to the conclusion that my parents had a more adversed reaction to me doing pole than me going overseas. i'm taking it positive. i'll just never bring Bruse home lah.

oh i've decided to name my pole bruse because it sounds manly enough... and it gives me alot of bruises... hur hur hur... :P

i'm going to bombay tonight... sianzzzz....

a little me time

brrr.. my room suddenly got colder and the rain just started pouring outside, and i wonder why... *winks at prissy-la-la*

that being said, i miss the rain and afternoons at home with nothing to do. i mean, there are tons i could be doin, like calling up suppliers, typing out my resume then very painfully translating them to mandarin, washing my clothes, watching DVDs that i've been hanging onto for ages, doing some housework... blah blah... but i like to just sit on my bed, wait for the thunder after i see the lightning flash, watch the rain through my window, listen to newly uploaded songs in my itunes and ... space out. i dun space out that much anymore ever since pole and wedding and with all the constant flight changing, so this is good... me time.

sarah mclachlan's Angel is playing in the background now. how apt!

i guess it hasn't really sunken in with me thinking of leaving sg for a glimpse of the unknown but reading prissy-la-la's blog is kinda reminding me of the fact that should i go, i will be leaving everything i love and loved behind. to leave, is to give up the ability to sms the gang with magic words like "dinner", or "plans" and see how everyone responds. sometimes, enough to have a impromptu gathering. to leave, is no more dempsey roads, winebars, steamboats, club normantons, charades, timbre, walas, girly times, group hugs and big hugs. to leave is to have to depend solely on myself to make sure i stay alive, without my mum to nag me or my dad to give me free cab rides. to leave is not be able to nag at my sis and piss the shit out of her because she knows it's me trying to be a big sister and do the right thing.

but i guess... to not leave.. is to give myself another opportunity to regret a once in a lifetime chance of doing something i've always talked abt and dreamt abt. and that's enough to kickstart me, anywhere.

i have 2-3 more months to prepare for the leap into joblessness, job-seeking, loneliness, happiness with only faith as my safety net.

but hey, it's not like i'm leaving for good! and oh come on... almost everyone has had their opportunity to live and rough it out overseas and they're all back in one piece. my time has finally come... a recent friend who has become quite a sister to me said "hey babe, very happy for u n envy u at the same time coz its almost a dream to me as well. think positive! will support u fully. will miss you too. boohoo..."

so think positive i will, and all i need is that people trust either that i've thought abt it.. or if shit happens, that i can deal with it. i have been dealing fine all this while, haven't i? think of it as me starting afresh... like this other song says.. i'm daring myself to move and lift myself up off the floor. and it's not like i'm going to another planet! ain't THAT positive thinking? *smiles*

"Spend all your time waiting
For that second chance
For a break that would make it okay
There’s always one reason
To feel not good enough
And it’s hard at the end of the day
I need some distraction
Oh beautiful release
Memory seeps from my veins
Let me be empty
And weightless and maybe
I’ll find some peace tonight"

-angel

testing waters

as opposed to the previous way i did things ie, inform my mum and dad that i was gonna move to normanton AFTER signing the contract and all that shit, getting my tattoo THEN letting them see it by accident,, i spoke to my mum and dad about me thinking of moving overseas. Of course no parent's gonna say GO FORTH to their daughter immediately, but i hope they'll warm up to the idea. afterall, methinks my pitching did make quite a bit of sense.

Yes, i may be paid employed in local terms and compete with the locals BUT i have a slight edge being bilingual (i'd like to think i will be able to survive if i live there long enough. if nicky can do it.. so can i)

Yes, when i come back, i may have to start again BUT i'll have overseas experience in a field that taipei is pretty known for ie, weddings and events.

Yes, it's a foreign country BUT that's why i'd choose places like uk, taipei or beijing where i actually know people. (uk would be too far and beijing erm... can't understand their accent)

Yes, i may be away from sg BUT methinks i'll actually go to church more regularly since it doesn't seem like there's a diff now anywayz since i'm flying.. (but hey! i'm trying)

Yes, i'll need moolah for transportation, food and lodging (contrary to popular belief, yes i'll be staying alone. bachelorette pad!) BUT things in taipei are pretty affordable and i promise i'll save, i already am!

Yes, it's something i wanna do hence i might have already made my decision BUT i know for a fact that i've prayed and prayed and decided to let Him make it happen if He wants it to.

anyway i foresee alot of questions and doubts that will be raised by the mother and father but i've also told them that i HAVE talked to the Big Guy up there and am leaving it to Him. if He thinks it's right, i'll get a job. if not, lan lan... This is called faith, eh??

and to show my mum and dad that i'm not rushing head on into something only to regret it, ahem... i've also proposed the idea of me going over for an extended period of time just to see if i really like it there. how diplomatic i am!! so the plan is, if all goes well, i'll go over in jan for about a month and see if i dun wanna kill myself by the end of the trip. might bring my sis for a short holiday too. see if she behaves and does her school work well. (haha... ms tan u reading this??)

hokay.. apparently the taiwanese stewardess told me today that wedding planners are gaining popularity there now. hur hur hur.... so see.. you never know but never say never. now it's more research and resume writing.. in mandarin!! gees... so much for making sure i didn't have to retake my mandarin during o levels and laughing like an idiot when i passed my oral with erm.. a pass... life just loves biting us in the arse.. hor?

i know this is not exactly a new song but just to share it coz i love it. and me prefers live version.. so here goes.. i'll be...



"I'll be better when I'm older
I'll be the greatest fan of your life"

love this phrase

house of bols.. finally

this morning (read: afternoon), i became an accidental alarm clock for my silly interactive screen saver.

it's nice to be home and up in the afternoon. i just got back from amsterdam (guess where i went!!) and i'm heading off to sydney tonight without any off days in between. sigh.. the sacrifices i have to make. and just earlier, somebody texted me and asked if i was still interested in her taipei flight on 8 oct. i'm like.. geeee.. if she msged me ealier, i wun have had to do tonight's sydney!! think of the extra rest i could've gotten!! bleah~

and true to myself, i made sure this time round (possibly my last time to ams), i went to the House of Bols. U know.. lychee liquer, apricot brandy and the works, yeap.. presenting museum of liquers!!


that's urs truly with my batchgal, alicia. miss party queen as well. hur hur..



i was tasting her drink. yuuums



my own drink was a little more... ahem.. martiniish.. not as yummy but still yummy enough



we basically ordered our concoction from a touchscreen machine and showed it to the bartenders. quite cute they are!

ah... then it was sleep, client meeting and dance. and i managed to do a buttslide!! think of it as.. erm.. sliding down the pole with a handstand using my ahem.. as the... erm.. only contact point.

damn i need a tan. hope i'm still on the right track and not free falling too quickly.