computer's finally working...

Phew... computer was screwed up for a day or two so i couldn't log on. it's good to have someone who actually knows how to fix computers. good skill for a computer idiot like me.. sheesh.. unfortunately now, stupid computer's cap key doesn't work properly so i can't have anymore caps or i'll have to smash the keyboards in..or out.. whatever.. not my computer anyway.. his computer.. haha.. bleah..

anyway, i am already missing adrian and ivan. 4 down now... the circle's getting smaller and smaller.. *sigh* it was nice talking to aly and char the other nite they called. updated them about how things are going now, which actually, is very well... guess who's the proud owner of adrian's baseball bat now. hmm... so wierd huh.. adrian's farewell gift to him.

i got a pretty wierd gift from him today. hmmm... some 40 to 50 packets of tissue paper, coz i do not bring tissue out.. normally.. Well, i've survived 23 yrs of my life without bringing tissue paper out and just because i had to borrow tissue from some stranger (coz the toilet at changi didn't have tissue and i had to have tissue, knowing me ...) i'm now the proud owner of tons of them. geeezzz

i'm happy. my probation is finally over... yey!~ no more "p" written beside my name on each and every freaking namelist. i'm having an entire week's leave starting tomorrow. kinda sucks though coz i really wanted to go diving during this break. however, unforseen circumstances made it too late to fix a date and all... and because i couldn't change my leave in time, i'm not able to do one of my team's long flight.. tokyo/la... which could've fetched me $1,600 for allowance alone.. dammit.. i really hope kl will materialise if not this entire week will be wasted. fuck... ok. i could try to have enough discipline to revamp my room.

going to collect my pictures, watch closer then have birthday dinner with normie.

cutting my hair on wednesday....

damn my tattoo is itching like crazy!~ bad feeling i'll have to touch it up.

okay... time to go watch vcd... it's world without thieves vs 2046... *decisions decisions decisions* :P

Me and my crow

I've got a new tattoo!~ whoopee!~~!~!~

Anyways, yepsie, it's actually a crow with a broken bamboo shoot. Well, if you're wondering, I've always liked the crow in THE CROW and since a bamboo symbolises my chinese name 'lin' as in forest... tada!~ I decided to do on on my hip area. Was fucking painful like hell but it lasted for about 45 min, MUCH lesser than my 1st tattoo so I guess I managed pretty well... Oh, and thanks to Mannar who patiently held my hands while I was being poked by the silly needle and to adrian and mingshen who hung around while I was in agony. It's finally over... hehe...

Seems like quite a coupla things came up these coupla days. Well, since I got back from London, that is...

Anyways, decided to give relationships another try and see how things goes. Still not very use to it though coz afterall, I'm pretty used to the previous, but I'm hoping things will change. I'm sure it will.. keke... So yes... Attached, I am... biggie thank you to aly and char for the best wishes... hehe.. I'll let you know if anything goes wrong.. hahah.. Just hope I dun screw up.. hmm..

Moving on to London, I had the most amazing time in London, roaming the streets alone. It's really theraputic, I must say... and very convenient coz I dun have to wait for anyone who might decide to pop into a shop or something, nor do I have to tell anyone where I'm going. Which meant that I could hop on a bus and get from pt A to pt B without having to see if everyone's agreeable. Also, I could cross the road like a million times just to get from one shop to the other coz I FELT like it.. cooooool... Watched Phantom of the Opera in Her Majesty's Theatre with buddy Jas and I must say, it was amazing. Paid 45 pounds but it definately was worth it. My plan now will be to catch a play or musical everytime I go to London. It's an aim!~ It's a mission..

Beginning to like spending time alone, in singapore or overseas.... Maybe it's coz I'm preparing myself for Adrian and Ivan's departure... Hooo wellll.... I'll miss them both... And for the rest who are still in Sg, just hope that everything that you're going through, all will get better.. I'm sure it will coz there's always a silver lining at every cloud, or a rainbow after every storm... you get what I mean... Just remember... I love you all.. muakzzzzz~!!~!

Hokay... feeling kinda sleepy after drinks at Dempsey so I'm gonna head to bed. :)

Post Valentines' Day thoughts

Argh.. silly billy blog got lost while being posted.. dammit...

Anyway, Happy belated vday to all those in love, out of love, looking for love, waiting for love and can't be bothered with love. I know it's not alll about love coz vday's also about friendship and all too rite? Yes... that could very well be cooked up so singles dun feel so left out on this special day... uh huh... cynical, I am.

Ho well... It was pretty refreshing actually. I spent vday walking down the streets of Orchard rd alone, looking at couples and flowers and people cashing in on flower sales to more couples. Nowadays, it's so convenient. Gone are the days people kinda like plan on what special stuff to get their respective love ones. All they gotta do is stroll down orchard rd and 'hey! do you want one?' and grab the nearest rose seller. Oh.. surprise! surprise! how impromptu.. how sweet... Commercialisation of vday is ridiculous.. but then again, the commercialisation of any other occasion is crap.

Actually I'm not like against vday or whatsoever. It went by pretty well for me and I must say, though it was different, it felt good. Kinda surreal when you see all the couples and you are the only one walking down the street, NOT looking pathetic but looking in total control of yourself kinda thing? Yep.. that's how I felt. Met Louis's mum and uncle for a cuppa coffee, before meeting the rest of the group for dinner at Crystal Jade where we ate till we could eat no more. Popped over to starbucks to laze for a while and a last min swift decision led us to Louis's darkroom where the guys 'helped out' with painting and stuff. Think they talked about stuff too... I honestly hope everything will turn out okay soon. I'm glad they talked... it was almost like I was in the middle... sheesh...

While the guys were talking, dearest date was abt 1.5 hrs late... yawnz... anyway, can't complain much coz he was waiting for the car, so yah. In a nutshell, we talked quite a bit, heard a couple fucking in a tent (yes, heard the moaning.. muahaha!) Good to get things out I guess... In a way, I guess I'm actually happier, happier than during the cny period. We'll see how things go from here. :P

The sun seems to peeking out from the clouds after the dark and dreary storm.

On a sidenote, daddy's colon scope went well and I sure am glad they didn't find anything cancerous there. Well, there's always the fear coz my granddaddy had colon cancer... bleahh...

Oh, and I do miss char and aly to bits!~ hehe...

Hokay.. am gonna head off to adrian's for a day of tanning before flying to London where the sun doesn't shine. See ya all next weeky!

A different CNY

Happy happy 2005! Hasn't started out well but I'm pretty sure it will all be good for each and everyone of us embarking on our new lives...

Aly and Char, hope all things goes well for you over there and I will definately try my very very best to change for more sydney flights. I will miss you guys soooo much. Especially after what we've all gone through these recent months. Phew... glad you've tide over your tsunami... there might be more to come, but hang in there and hang on to the strongest tree you can find. You know wat i mean... *HUGGGGGZZZZ*

I had a coupla pretty interesting cny dinners this yr. My reunion dinner was held in Sydney with 8 other colleagues. We went to Chinatown, which was bustling with life while the other shops ard are already closed and waiting for the next day like it was just another day. I admit I hardly look forward to the occasion but when it arrives, you kinda get soaked up in the moment and no matter how unhappy the new yr is or has been, you kinda just wanna wish everyone a happy new yr and mean it and genuinely hope that the new yr WILL be better... and happier.

Anyway, had dinner at adrian's place on the 2nd nite. This too was a little different coz louis brought mel. I hope he's happy... finally getting to bring her out with the gang without violent objections. Dunno why but when I heard that she was gonna be around, I kinda couldn't breathe for that moment. Maybe coz I wasn't really ready to look pain in the eye. Well, but I think I managed pretty okay... might seem like something really stupid but it did take alot to smile and offer wine while they were cosying up on the other sofa. Well, they seem really happy together... I can't help but wonder if he considered my feelings though... Like how I'd refuse to bring any guy friend out with the gang coz I'd think that might make him feel awkward. Anyway, I know now he probably doesn't really care about me, or how his friends feel. Just him and mel will be good enough... which probably should be the case coz if you love a person, that's all that matters.

Third night's dinner was at Aly's. I went straight from the airport after doing a Bangkok quickie. Flight was tiring, as usual, but dinner made up for it all. Louis came by with chicken while I was out smoking. Anyway, he didn't stay coz mel was waiting for him outside... At least I said hi again... Gals, I know you must be wondering why the hell do I bother. Like I said last nite... if this happened to anyone of you, I'd definately be the bitch... but it's like when you're in the situation, you kinda lose sense of all reality and reasoning. So hence, I really can't bring myself to be the bitch coz, well, maybe I love him too much to hurt him by not welcoming her.

Anyway, that's just me... and my stupidity... and need for pain...rite...

Moving on I will... like I said, i'm really excited about everything that's gonna happen and how I know my life will be different. Looking forward to every single bit of it and I am enjoying it. Maybe not entirely, but it definately helps keep my mind occupied that I guess that's all that I need. The only thing I hate it is the slow process it's taking... wish time will fly by and the pain will cease and the wound will heal faster. Fucking hate feeling like this, knowing that he has already happily moved on. But ya, I hope this will put me fast on my road to healing. And to answer a fren who asked if I were to say a prayer, what would it be? I'd say... Dear God, take this pain away and let time pass in a flash.

It's wierd having you around, it's wierd not having you around.
I love to see you happy, I hate to see you happy.
I can't live with you, I can't live without you.

"can you take it all away,
can you take it all away
when ya shoved it in my face
this pain you gave to me"

On a different note, daddy's gonna go for colon probe next tuesday. Hope they wun find anything serious. *crosses fingers* Sigh... should stop fucking my mind up and start doing things and spending time with people that matter.

Spring Cleaning Day!~ oh yey........~~

Juz came back from New Delhi yesterday morning and ... it's no joke... indian flights...are... SHIT. Anyway, had a nice nap when I got home and met adrian in the afternoon to pick up my prints for cape town and manchester! They turned out pretty okay... hehe... yay!~ So Feefee can still work properly.. phew~~~~ Checked out the Busheer bookshop at bras basar and came across a pretty nice pic of a crow which I have decided to tattoo on myself. Not the ugly crow but the crow as in The Crow's crow? Erm... am still contemplating on where to put. Any suggestions? Somewhere not so visible... not so obvious... but NICE.. hmmmmm... *ponders*

After some shopping, we decided to pop over nicky's place for dinner and each had a bottle of Tiger while watching Black Hawk Down... nice show, great characters... and and.. OMG looking casts!~ Everytime I watch the show I'm amazed at how many good looking men are out there... so MAN!~ I need one too!~ hahah...

Speaking of which, I've been meeting up with someone on a pretty regular basis (usually like in the weee hours of the morning.. as if it's an illicit affair.. gee). I dunno if i'm suppose to know how he feels about me. Haha... But he's really sweet, and in case he's reading this, yes.. you are very much appreciated... Anyway, back to the topic, well... I dunno where all this is leading, and I'm not very sure how I'd want things to go... I dun even really know how I feel. Dammit... a nice guy comes along and Me being the sucker for pain just can't seem to allow myself to be treated too nicely.. Bloody hell... He's well... different from the previous in the sense that he's extremely sweet and patient and has always been since seconday school. I do know that I'll definately be very loved, but there's another part of me that's just afraid I might break his heart someday. Heartache is the worst kinda torture for anyone and I don't think I can bear causing it.

So honestly, I dunno what I'm doing now... and I dun wanna waste anybody's time. But I must admit, it's growing on me... so... aiyah.. dunno lah... sighhh....

Oh well... I must head back to springclean my room, which is.. if you know me.. really really messy... *cough cough*... I hate springcleaning. I remember back in school we had to springclean our classrooms, and we had pails and rags and all that shit? That was fun coz we could goof around. Now it's me, myself and I. *sniff sniff*... arghhh

Good thing about later's that I'll be meeting adrian to check tattoo designs out!~ oooo.... so exciting!~

Watever...

I'm back from Manchester and I walked the holy sacred ground of the Man U stadium......... RITE... not that I'm a fan or anything but well, that's about one of the more exciting thing you can do in Manchester, besides the shopping... so there, headed down to Old Trafford with Jas and Jaye on the second day just to get a glimpse of the statium, took some pics for dearest sel and back to shopping. It was the sale period... too bad we were there on a sunday and the shops close earlier than usual.. damn, swore I could've bought more.

But anyway, my next trip to Manchester will be to take a bus or train up to Scotland. Haa.. wanted to do it during this trip but it was too last min and I had no idea where and wat to do.. so with more plannin in future... hehe.. scotland and shopping it shall be.

Adrian said we will never see "happily-ever-afters". I hate the sound of it but can't help agreeing. Yes... we can find happiness someday, with someone, or doing something you've always wanted to do.. but there'll be too much emotional baggage to forever be free from it. I hope it's not true though... I hope the emotional baggage will fall off someday....

Knock, knock, knocking on heaven's doors....

Am having dinner with Jaye and Yvonne tomorrow and I suspect they will be introducing a guy to me.. muahaha... they swear he's the most decent guy ever... and that he'll be perfecto for me coz he's a scorpio and scorpios and capricorns are the best match. (i dunno how much of that i'll believe) First question they ask was if i knew how to play volleyball coz apparently he likes girls who do.. so yah... one obstacle down, no? hahaha... he's cantonese, my favourite dialect.. but that's about it lah... so we'll see how it goes... he better look good.

AIYAHHHH.... WATEVERRRRR....