randomness again

being in love, loving someone, trying to love someone, trying to make someone fall in love, trying to keep the fire burning, trying not to kill each other, trying to maintain a balance, trying to make things work. things like that are tricky bits and pieces that we all hate to go through but can't live without i guess. the thought of whether you're making a mistake- by moving on with your life, by settling down with someone in marriage, by simply just not being with someone you still think about and love, by wondering if you should take that step to follow your dream, by telling yourself things will get better over time- is scary and very very tiring.

i often get a little more emo than usual and i blame it on pms (and the fact that it's so irregular, my emotional state usual gets more haywire than usual. or so i think). actually this pms shit drives me crazy coz i can't stand how confused i let myself get over nothing and everything. i'm honestly hoping it IS pms and not some part of me feeling the urge to stir some shit or throw some at the fan.

anywayz, i haven't been wakeboarding since my back broke but i figure i'm well and fine enough to hang on a pole so wakeboarding shouldn't be too bad, eh? i miss wakeboarding. no wonder i'm putting on weight. note to self: call val to make arrangements.

that silly 'communication' song is STILL stuck in my head and itunes.

been thinking of how i'm gonna market my future company and getting a little excited about it. let's see... just two more years and i'll be able (hopefully) to kickstart my dream of having my own wedding planning company. i'm thinking brochures, pictures, copywriting, letterheads and logos, namecards, name of company, and events that i can start doing to get my name out there. two years should be enough for me to finish up the ground work, save up, get contacts and get out there, rite?

methinks i should just concentrate on working hard and saving up and whatever should fall in place will fall in place.

on a sidenote, just between us *looks left and right* i looked through my roster and realised they missed out a coupla days! which means... more off days!! shhhh..... oh and i gave away a taipei flight (i promise you, banana bf, once you get there, i wun give away taipei flights!) for another london. hard work but.... YAY!!!! :p

the gang

everybody says that it is pretty unusual and heartwarming to see the group affectionately known as the gang remain so close even after so long without the numbers depleting at all. we had this little almost-impromptu-without-any-reason potluck dinner at prissy-la-la's place last weekend and it was really nice, cozy and special.

i must say that growing up with these special dudes and dudettes in my life made it all the more special and the dynamics are just so intertwined - sometimes, a little too intertwined and complicated. but then again, here's the beauty of it and these are the people who just know what you're thinking with a single look.

*contented sigh* i dunno how i'd ever have gone through all that i've gone through without them. but sometimes i just dunno how to let them know how much they mean to me coz i guess it just sounds a little stupid and childish especially, i dunno, for someone (people) of my (our) age. haha... it's almost as if the older we get, the more we should just indulge in work and family and relationships that friendships naturally just keep getting pushed back coz afterall, isn't it always said that the older u get, the lesser friends u have?

fuck, come to think of it, we're freaking 25!! and i'm still not married or getting close to it!! ahhh!!! but but but... come to think of it, sigh... it still scares me alot. but that's not the point. i guess... maybe, it's not the idea of getting married but who you're marrying that's scary? oh well... i dunno lah..

i digress... as usual, heh.

as i was saying, in anycase, just for the record, i love u guys! ALOT. ;D

savouring my day off

london was nice, as usual, with a little bit of... hmm... i dunno, mixed feelings here and there. ah well... at least things at home are a-okay now. i hope. oh well, can't expect everything to go smoothly all the time, can i? one thing at a time i guess... one step at a time.

spent the whole of yesterday and almost the whole of today just lazing at home. watched coupla dvds... haven't had that nua feeling for some time so methinks it's good. a little quality me-and-us-time i guess. heh. and i'm looking forward to the potluck tonight!! (even though i'm gonna be damn late, bleah)

heard this over american idol actually and i kinda really like it. so here... gwen stefani's four in the morning.



Wakin up to find another day
The moon got lost again last night
But now the sun has finally had it's say
I guess I feel alright

But it hurts when I think,
When I let it sink in
It's all over me
lying here, in the dark
I'm watchin you sleep, it hurts a lot

[Bridge]
And all I know is you've got to give me everything
and nothing else coz,
You know I'd give you all of me

[Chorus]
I'd give you everything that I am
I'm handin over everything that I've got
Cause I wanna have a really true love
Don't ever wanna have to go and give you up
Stay up till four in the morning
And the tears are pouring
And I wanna make it worth the fight
What have we been doing for all this time
Baby if we're gonna do it come and do it right

All I wanted was to know I'm safe
Don't wanna lose the love I found
Remember when you said that you would change
Don't let me down

It's not fair, how you are
I can't be complete, can you give me more

Oh please, you know what I need
Save all your lovin for me
We can't escape the love
With everything that you have

technical lesson

how do u mend a broken glass and expect it to be clear, sparkly and without any cracks showing? you can't. but i guess you can use really really good glue - really really good glue, workmanship and enough time and effort for it to dry and stick properly- to make sure that at least it can still be functional. don't really need to be handled with too much care cos afterall, sad to say, it is already damaged so a little more cracks won't make a difference anymore.

what it means is that maybe, that's why i actually need to be somebody's "little woman" (direct translation lah). so at least i won't hurt anybody. in anycase, i guess the other part of me has been pretty conditioned to take shit that the rebel in me subconsciously give others shit. so to put it simply, i rather be abused and fight back (lovingly, of course) than to be tooooooo showered in love and start taking it for granted.

i'm not that great with confrontations or serious sit-down-and-let's-talk situations. sometimes i don't quite know how to find the words or expressions to match that particular situation and honestly, i find such awkward situations very very... nerve-wrecking. ya, it scares the shit out of me the way height scares the shit out of nicky or how balloons scare the shit outta louis... but i digress... (hur hur hur).

maybe that's why i usually avoid confrontations at all costs and acommodate accordingly. not that i allow myself to be stepped upon though, but sometimes it's just slightly easier. (of course if we're talking about irritating passengers or people in the service line or my pet peeve, custom officers, then obviously no way in hell would i allow them even have a tinge of rudeness lah)

i must admit that i have my moods too. yes, i'm actually human. sometimes i guess it's true what they say about taking the ones you're closest to for granted and only hurting the ones you love. sometimes the ones who really see the brute in me... sad to say... yes, my family and my bf.

so the bottomline is, don't be too nice to me (but if you're pris or any of the gang, please ignore the above and just remember that i'm god.)

anywayz, once again, still the sucker for pain, but i just rather that. i think they call it, fan jian. but we're all like that, no??

quizzy

so in my boredom and all, i finally attempted the seduction style quiz. ahem... i dunno what to say... haha.. i need help...











oh, and i cut and permed my hair!!! i'll wait for it to settle a little before posting it up. i'm still getting used to looking into the mirror.

ah well, something different is always good i guess... ;P

i just can't get it outta my head (kylie style)

All thanks to adrian for getting this song stuck in my head.



by the cardigans, called communication.

For 27 years I’ve been trying
to believe and confide in
Different people I’ve found.
Some of them got closer then others
Some wouldn’t even bother
and then you came around

I didn’t really know what to call you,
you didn’t know me at all
But I was happy to explain.
I never really knew how to move you
So I tried to intrude through the little holes in your veins
And I saw you

But that’s not an invitation
That’s all I get
If this is communication
I disconnect
I’ve seen you, I know you
But I don’t know
How to connect, so I disconnect

You always seem to know where to find me
and I’m still here behind you
In the corner of your eye.
I’ll never really learn how the love you
But I know that I love you through the hole in the sky.
Where I see you

And that’s not an invitation
That’s all I get
If this is communication
I disconnect
I’ve seen you, I know you
But I don’t know
How to connect, so I disconnect

Well this is an invitation
It’s not a threat
If you want communication
That’s what you get
I’m talking and talking
But I don’t know
How to connect
And I hold a record for being patient
With your kind of hesitation
I need you, you want me
But I don't know how to connect
So I disconnect, I disconnect...

Anywayz, i just got back from a short getaway in cebu.. nice place... unfortunately i fell sick. bleah... sneezing away trying to bask in the sun is honestly not fun, but i guess everything else made up for it. hehe... more pics when i get them.

and for the record, i am not filipino. damn every other day i get people trying to speak to me in taglish.. and only after the first 5 sentences and me looking at them with a what-the-hell-u-talking-about face do they realise, i'm not local!!!! they are so freaking cheerful especially in the morning, there's NO WAY i can talk like dat.. haha..

oh and pics from sipadan are ready for collection!! so exciting!!

'good day mam', 'tank u mam', 'enjoy yourrr (emphasis on the 'r') dey, mam'.

to brighton and beyond...

tadaahhh!! so here i was, on the way to adrian's place... a very nice start to a very nice trip... and we just goofing around in the train. loooong arse ride to his place... without car... quite troublesome... heh.. i'm spoilt. SUE ME... HA!

here's adrian when he's not so moody... and antisocial... and grumpy... but then again, he's always like dat in front of me.. so that's good. but then again, it could just be the ciggies. bleah...

so after half a day of trying to wake up (as usual), driving for chinese buffet lunch and all, we arrived at brighton. after a little scare coz we were suppose to be at a seaside town.. but we didn't see anything looking like any sea.

anywayz, it suddenly appeared somewhere after a bend... and it was just magnificent.

the waves were literally crashing into the breakwaters. and there we were standing right beside it. yay!!! talk about nature's sheer power. i took a video of the crashing waves and now i understand why videographers or photograpers get shot or something. u know the kinda thing when u wanna capture that moment even when the fucking volcano is spewing lava... yah... u dun see how close it is until u take the freaking lens away from your face.

anyway bottomline was... adrian ran, i got drenched. (thanks for the warning dude)

i can't get enough of this pic!!!!! me and peacock!!! BWAHAHAHA

the only downside to this entire exhilarating experience is that... i ..lost.. my... phone... again... methinks it's karma.. sorry louis for laughing at u...

but hey... old dun go, new dun come!! so... my new phone, i've decided.. shall be the nokia 7370.

i'm soooo positive. ha.

something from london

hmm... something i heard from the teevee this afternoon while nursing my aching legs after a day at camden with adrian.

something from rob thomas call Little Wonders. i miss matchbox 20. oh! saw another mtv by take that called Shine too! ahh... the boys... some things never change. i miss cheeky robbie. but i'm happy for him now. hur hur hur.. majiam my friend leh. kaoz!

let it go,
let it roll right off your shoulder
don't you know
the hardest part is over
let it in,
let your clarity define you
in the end
we will only just remember how it feels

our lives are made in these small hours
these little wonders,
these twists & turns of fate
time falls away,
but these small hours,
these small hours still remain

let it slide,
let your troubles fall behind you
let it shine
until you feel it all around you
and i don't mind
if it's me you need to turn to
we'll get by,
it's the heart that really matters in the end

our lives are made in these small hours
these little wonders,
these twists & turns of fate
time falls away,
but these small hours,
these small hours still remain

all of my regret
will wash away some how
but i can not forget
the way i feel right now

in these small hours
these little wonders
these twists & turns of fate
these twists & turns of fate
time falls away
but these small hours
these small hours,
still remain,
still remain
these little wonders
these twists & turns of fate
time falls away
but these small hours
these little wonders still remain

well.. if it speaks to you, it's for you.

"and i don't mind
if it's me you need to turn to
we'll get by,
it's the heart that really matters in the end"

something for the pain

what happens when your world (perfect as you know it) comes crumbling down??

pain

pain can do great things. like create a whole new you that you and your friends hardly recognise. pain can push people to extremes - mentally, physically or emotionally. one moment, we're happy and dandy.. the next, we hyperventilate and scream silently. pain makes us do silly things that screw up your life and everything you do to try to allieviate the pain just makes you sink deeper and deeper... and deeper.

pain is more than just physical. i'm sure everyone has had that feeling before. that... lump of something that presses at the core of your heart. that... heaviness that makes you just wanna rip it all out just so it doesn't hurt anymore. that... sorrow and grief that makes you think that being dead probably feels better.

but we can't rush pain as much as we wish it'll all go away quickly. methinks pain and time are relative to each other. one goes up, the other will come down. one of those graph thingy. i tried rushing pain and what happens? even though so much time has passed, i sometimes still find myself back at that big black hole getting sucked in all over again... and again... and again. and the pain just keeps coming back again... and again... and again.

so what's my point actually?

being brought back to the painful days helps me appreciate what i have now. remembering the pain helps me appreciate time and happiness. knowing what pain feels like reminds me of the lessons i've learnt.

so pain is good... but only in hindsight.

Give me something for the pain
Give me something for the blues
Give me something for the pain
when I feel I've been danglin from a hang-mans noose
Give me something for the rain
Give me something I can use
To get me through the night
Make me feel all right,
Something like you

-darling jon (bon jovi)