being sober

geez.... guess what... i got called up for a silly billy nagoya flight again. and this will be my 3rd time in nagoya, 3rd time being called up. why can't they call me up for fukoka or something more exotic?? like... ahem.. athens?? or whatever. but nagoya, again!~?!?~ sigh... silly billy woman called me at 5.45am and told me to get ready for a 4day osaka flight, returning via bangkok. then she said, if the other gal can't make it, she'll call me and i'll report straight to the aircraft. yeap.. then she was like.. okie.. lemme double check the dates.. and guess what? she was looking at JUNE!!! WTF!! wake me up at 6am, stress me out, tell me i'm doing a not-so-bad flight, then tell me you're lookin at june!?~ deserves a slap with my sandals man. argh... so i went back to sleep, half relieved coz.. yay, dun need to rush.. but on the other hand.. i still didn't know what the rest of my day was gonna be.. until now.. sigh... nagoya... nagoya... i scared lah!!!

anywayz, went wakeboarding again yesterday and it was GREAT! as usual... me and my classic moment(s). yesterday, i tried to do a backslide. meaning i'd be facing 180degrees away from the boat. managed to do it... for a coupla secs.. then longer.. then ahem, i started to lean too forward but because i was still holding onto the handle, i literally did a slow motion splat into the water, face down. aiyah.. it's hard to explain but yea... val and boon were laughing their heads off as usual. ptui!! in anycase, by the end of the session, i managed to do a full 360degree turn!!! yay!!!!! i fell right after i held grabbed the handle again.. but well, next week. i'll be pro! yes.. u bet!!

had a bet with val and binbin... haha.. 40days 40nights. lets see.. i'll be getting my free wakeboarding session and victoria secrets stuff for pole!! i can do it!!!!

maybe it's because i've been sober for the last god knows how long. yea, my off days were spent reaching home at 12am or 1am. i feel a little like cinderella now. but... it's all good. stay outta trouble, save a bit of money, be a gooood gal. cleaning up a bit i guess so i'm actually, kinda chirpy most days! cept.. sigh.. when i think about all the hypotheticals, the what ifs, the buts, the process of it all.

but i'll be fine. i know it's a little escapist but yeah, i'll be fine... i'm used to it. *brushes it off* i hate to feel like i'm losing control of a situation. makes me feel weak and i hate to feel weak. thinking of possiblities and impossibilities, hypotheticals and reality makes me feel argh.. so yeap.

i know it sucks to be in a situation where we can't take control coz we're all afraid of bearing the consequences. and because of that, we go on and on, deliberating, deciding, the backing out then deliberate again but we know ultimately, the final decision was more or less the initial decision we've set out to make or that we've already known all along. taking that big step into the unknown is scary but hey, if we don't do it, we'll never know. i love this phrase that meg ryan said in "you've got mail" when she was talking to her (then) boyfriend and they both realised that as much as they were perfect for each other, they didn't love each other. he asked her is there someone and her reply was "no, just the dream of someone" and thereafter... we all know her nemesis, tom hanks, turns out to be the dream someone. okay.. this may sound too idealistic but... we can take bold steps for that dream. take a deep breathe and ask ourselves whether we love life enough to give it a chance. if it all falls flat, the worst that could happen is that you try ur darnest to pick yourself up, dust it off, and carry on. we're all fighters. we're all made to fight and survive. we have each other's fuck ups (mainly mine) to make references to so... heh... we're all not alone.

anywayz, now to happier stuff. dive trip to tioman and a serbana wakeboarding trip on national day. i'm hoping it all goes through!! *crosses fingers* and i'll be having a 2day pole workshop in between. yay!!!

and just a little something something to brighten up this post and more importantly brighten up your day. here's bon jovi's next 100 years. i just lurve him!!

ps: when watching the video, do erm.. ignore the tribute to amada part (it's actually quite romantic but yah.. think of it as a tribute to whoever's listening) i prefer to use this coz then i won't have to stick the entire lyrics into the blog. cheong hei mah... okie okie... i love you jon!!!

families

i'm meetin the gang for some simpsons tomorrow nite! yay!!! while i'm super duper excited about it, it kinda reminds me that i STILL HAVEN'T CAUGHT TRANSFORMERS!! dammit.

trip to london was nice, as usual and i've kinda promoted myself from "i'm visiting a friend's mum/family/whatever else" to "i'm visiting my god-mother". haha!! it's so much simplier! i'm visiting my godmother who's in essex, godaunt in harwich and yes... godfather who drives freaking 2 over hours from essex to central london to harwich just so i dun need to do all the travelling myself (and of course, minimises the part of me getting lost). so yah... i love them to bits! and i have two brothers, affectionately known to them as the sister they never wanted. so it's all good.

i didn't spend a single cent cept for the duck rice lunch i had with ivan. luckily i had him to accompany me back to london. it wasn't that difficult really, i don't think i can get lost in london but in anycase, it was just nice. and a little nervewrecking too actually coz i needed to be back at the hotel at 11am for a silly briefing. i got back at 10.45am and was rushing like a mad woman.

on an sidenote, auntie melissa was sooo funny. just before we left for london, while we were having our morning oxygen dose, i was ready coz i didn't wanna miss the train. ivan was waltzing up and down packing for his big day (ying's return from motherland) so yeap... excited he was... cautious auntie was. she said, "ivan!! if you need to buy condoms, you can go tescos to buy coz they have it... buy one get one free!!!' if i was drinking anything, i would've done a merlion. but yeap.. i couldn't stop laughing. auntie is just waaaay cool lah. she's by far the only mother that i can sit down, have a smoke and talk about the silly shit i've done without her doing the motherly thing but yet still showing some motherly love.

anywayz, ivan and i have discussed. if menthol really kills someone's vocal chords and i dun quite like lights, if i start moving to lights, it will be a matter of time before i just dun quite like smoking altogether. rite? haaaaaaa..... small planning lah, dunno will work or not. oh and ya, we went condom shopping and i told him to get the ultrathin + more lubricant. best of both worlds, methinks... but i won't know abt such things now, would i?? *chuckles*

i'm on leave from 16 to 20aug and i have no freaking plans! should i go for a dive trip? shopping and sightseeing trip? or just chill, wakeboard and dance my week away?? wat should i do.. wat should i do??

faceplant

i went wakeboarding this evening and it was highly refreshing.

it's always like that, i realise. when you've been doing something so much, so often and working so hard for it that u get burnt out and just get stagnant after a while. and then the more you push it, the more pressure u place in it, the harder the fall coz you just can't seem to get it right anymore. hence taking a break is always good. and refreshing. and enlightening. applies to quite alot of things actually huh...

i haven't seen punggol marina since i kinda broke my back almost 4 months ago. it's a pretty long hiatus but methinks i did much better today than any other day when i was wakeboarding almost every other week. something about the fact that there's no pressure to perform or prove to myself. i just wanted to have a good time and to let myself go in the winds and waves. and that i did. and actually learnt something new.

yes i did a coupla faceplants but nothing i haven't done before. methinks i've had worst.. so.. this is nothing.

so yes, it's always good to take a step back once in a while, to evaluate, to reformat, to refresh before carryin on again.

that's why rest is very very important. *yawnz*

back from the dead

things have been happening lately.

very. very. strange things.

and it's happening too quickly, did i ask for it?

i asked you to tell me or show me something. you must've been getting really frustrated that after all those little hints and nudges here and there, i STILL didn't get it... that's why you HAD to gimme this huge wake up call that practically shook me out of bed. RIGHT??

i KNOW!!!

and i know i sound really really weird now but i'll be fine soon enough.

i need to fix things emotionally, mentally and spiritually. yah u heard me right... its gonna be a LLOOOOONNNNGGG LOOONNNNNNNGGGGGG time before i get there. i'm just gonna try and see where trying gets me.

*takes a deep breath*.. shit.. i think i'm hyperventilating just thinking about it.

it happened on friday in nagoya...

i felt a firm yet gentle touch going up my legs. slowly. it went up to my knees, my tighs, under my tighs and ahem... there. it was almost as if someone was climbing up on me. i relaxed a little, but was still unsure of what to expect coz it was really dark and i was under my blanket. i've felt this way before... especially with the help of certain tobacco-like products so it didn't seem so alien to me. in fact, it was beginning to feel really erotically good. it's almost like how you'd feel when being blindfolded in a 'friendly' environment. so the more i remembered how it felt, the better and more relaxed i felt, and i decided to let myself get into the mood.

suddenly i shivered... i'm all alone in the room, i didn't drink and neither did i smoke anything, and the feeling was too real. i tried to shake myself out of the trance but all i really could do was to continue lying there. i tried to open my eyes but all i could see was darkness. i was still just lying underneath my blanket. i began to panic.

i started to push whatever's weighing me down away. but as i did so, i felt the weight get heavier and heavier and i felt a hand grab my hand forcefully and kept it to my side. i felt trapped and stuck just lying there, face up, hands by the side. panic, at this point, was really an understatement.

i tried to scream but nothing came out. i could only force a whisper. so with all i could remember, i said, God, get me out of this shit. then i directed my whisper to whatever was holding me down and i said, in His name, get away from me. i remembered suddenly being able to move my hands so i tried pushing. i dunno what i was doing but i was just pushing. and then i screamed, in Jesus's name, GET OUT OF HERE!

i can't remember how many times i said that line but as i said it, i felt myself able to get out of bed. i remember just walking towards the door and saying that same line over and over, sometimes pleading, mostly commanding and a figure formed. there was a gust of wind and suddenly he/she/whatever turned and walked away calmly.

now comes the silly bit. someone else walked through the door and he/she/whatever got possessed and started to attack me. i said GO! and the same thing happened. he/she/whatever calmed down, gust of wind, something else walked in, started to attack me, i said GO, again... i was still screaming and totally exesperated by the fact that it wun leave the room.

and then a sudden and familiar calm and darkness set in and i sprang up out of bed. i looked at my comp and it was about 1am japan time. i dunno how long i slept but i sat up with my heart beating profusely and my throat parched and thristy. everything else was as i left it. and i couldn't really sleep thereafter.

maybe it's just a dream gone bad, maybe it's just a friday the 13th thing, maybe it's someone not very pleased with my little teeny weeny bit of thought of going back to church, maybe He's giving me an answer coz in my little teeny weeny bit of thought i said a prayer coupla nites back and asked Him to show me something.

i dunno. but i wasn't joking when i said it felt too real to be funny.

a day in nagoya

the good (or bad) thing about being able to bring mojo everywhere is that 1) i tend to spend more money logging on 2) i save more money by not talking or msging with my hp 3) i stay in my room more 4) i save money by not going out and spending unnecessarily 5) i get stuck in my room and do what i always thought i won't do, which is to hibernate.

shit...

anywayz, am now in nagoya, 2nd time here, 2nd time being called up. kinda like a deja vu thing coz... aiyah.. brings back memories, fun memories lah so it's not too bad.

hmm.. and since everybody's sleeping, methinks i should go catch some rest before dinner, and drinks. lucky for me, i actually met an old secondary school friend on this flight so he's gonna run my errands for me. yeap, i gave him my shopping list and moolah and off he goes, while i laze my fat arse here. since i dun exactly have anything to buy for myself actually.. they are all OTHER PEOPLE'S shopping lists. hur hur hur.

it's actually quite fun to still be connected even while i'm away. i'm kinda getting the hang of this.

sigh, i'm almost dreading my flight back coz after some calculations/predictions/guessing... i prolly have to work with certain people i'm not too keen on working with. phobia of the female species let's just put it. i guess u win some, u lose some, pros and cons in everything we do lah.

hokay... till later... muakz!~!~!~!~

issues

i'm not quite sure of what's happenin with the blog. seems like alot of the edit options are missing. maybe it's just the version that's not compatible with my mojo. but then again, i'm not sure, still got lots to learn about this new plaything.

i'm not quite sure about my future, maybe it's the fact that there's only 2 more yrs to go before i really quit and dive into my dream of doing wedding planning full time. i dunno if i can leave my comfort zone, my current lifestyle and more importantly, the fact that there is actually a steady income month after month and i can still travel the world. maybe i'm just scared of the unknown, but who isn't?

i'm not quite sure about what's happening with my life, more specifically, emotionally. i feel increasingly distant and decreasingly willing to give anything. i think i fall in and out of love/crush/infactuation/interest in people too quickly and it's honestly not too healthy. alright, make that not healthy at all. i need to fall in love graduadually rite? but... i can't help it when i'm swept off my feet that easily. maybe i'm a sucker for that rush. maybe i'm still very immature. maybe i just dunno what i want or what i'm losing until i've lost it. but we learn from mistakes, dun we? maybe some take a longer time. maybe i'm one of the some.

i'm not quite sure about what i want in a person. someone who i think is perfect in almost everyway? or someone that i can talk to into the wee hours of the morning, about everything and nothing. someone with whom i share common interests with? or someone who is willing to let me indulge in my own shit. maybe it's a balance of both, but i dunno. opposites are suppose to attract, but what if you're not exactly entirely opposites?

i should be at the stage where i'm anchored enough to not float or drift around too much. but what if i dun feel ready to be anchored? what if, i just haven't found the right anchor?

the winds are blowing, the waves are crashing, the lightning is crackling across the sky and my boat is capsizing. i dunno why, i dunno how and i dunno what to do.

i know in every relationship, there's gotta be a certain amount of work and effort placed in it. but surely the foundation has to be the want and the desire to make it work, and not because one has to make it work for the sake of it. relationships are about doing it out of the desire to want to, not the obligation and responsibility to do so. i know that coz i've tasted the sweetness and pain of loving unconditionally so i know it exists. i'm not just thinking of a fairytale. i'm not fantasizing, i'm not being naive and unrealistic. it exists. i know it's somewhere. i just dunno where. yet.

i dun want falling in and out of love to become a cycle, it's already complicating enough.

why and how did everything get so screwed and fucked up!? why can't i stop fucking myself up as soon as everything's calm and peaceful??

i dunno what's going on. anymore. i'm sorry, maybe i'm just a little tired.