not so sober

Am currently online with my sis now, listening to her talk about her fight with my dad. Yep.. a fight... but it's pretty fair coz they each had a boxing glove on... so... both wun feel so pain hitting each other. Oh... it sounds so fun... i kinda miss them...

No.. actually.. i miss them alot.

But it just seems that normanton's so convenient that I hardly wanna go home... sigh.. i miss my family... in a way... i guess.. i seem to be missing out on all this action. Come to think of it, I'll probably be with my sis, fighting my dad off with the boxing glove. Guess should buy another set if i ever get a nightstop in bangkok so they can fight freely with both gloves on. Oh!~ Maybe, we'll each wear one and my mum and myself can join in the fight. Kewl huh...

Alrighty... above blabber... written in a state of.. half high so I'm really just blabbering. Well, it's my first time blogging in a state on SLIGHT insanity, so pardon me. kekekekek...

OMG, I MISS THEM HEAPS!~

I suddenly feel like crying... maybe it's the drink, and me feeling a lil emo... I dunno wat's with the emo bit, maybe it's the time of the month... I dunno..

Just came back from johannesburg and will upload the pics soon. Went on a safari and it was really fun... stay over in the lodge instead of my usual 5* hotel so... haha.. but it was comfy.. so it ain't that bad. Yes.. i'm pampered... but i dun care.

Alrighty.. i prolly wun remember this post.. but... this is me.. yes.. diana tan.. when I ain't in my soberest moments..

Whoever bothers to read this... u know.. I LOVE YOU.. and i mean it... No one can live without love... so there....

*muaaaaaaaakzzzz!~!!~!~*

self indulgence

Seems like quite a couple of people have said this. It's suppose to be true.. no?

That the last person you call before you bored the plane is the person you care about most. As is the first person you call when you touch down.

I see my colleagues do that most of the time before and after a flight.

So... I board and unboard a plane as often as I take a cab. As often as I do that, I fight the urge not to use the phone coz that would only imply that I care. But as much as I hate to care, I wish there was someone I could call before and after a flight without feeling... vulnerable.

You only feel vulnerable when you let yourself be vulnerable and I hate this feeling. How not to be jaded and cynical when that's really the best way to protect yourself?

I'm missing a particular someone. Not because he means the world to me, but it's precisely the contrary, that there's no pressure and vulnerability when i'm with him coz I dun care as much.

Innit sad... ?

after the rain

Feeling emo... this is for you... I lurve you...

I have seen peace, I have seen pain
resting on the shoulders of your name
do you see the truth
through all their lies
do you see the world through troubled eyes

and if you want to, talk about it any more
lie here on the floor
cry,on my shoulder, of a friend

I have seen birth, I have seen death
lived to see a lovers final breath
do you see my guilt
should I feel fine
is the fire of hesitation burning bright

and if you want to, talk about it once again
on you i depend
I'll cry, on your shoulder, you're a friend

you and i have lived through many things
I'll hold on, to your heart
I wouldn't cry for anything
but don't go, tearing your life apart

i have seen fear, I have seen faith
seen the look of anger on your face
and if you want to, talk about what will be
come and sit with me

cry, on my shoulder, I'm a friend
and if you want to, talk about it any more
lie here on the floor

cry, on my shoulder, once again
cry, on my shoulder, i'm a friend.
-james blunt

What would i do if this i have exactly 24hrs before the end of the world? What would you do?

Silly silly me

I got up to a missed call by johan and my batt went flat. Instinctively, I turned to my side to look at the time. It said 1.45pm or something like dat. I got up, went about my stuff and decided that my lunch date prolly called or but I was sleeping and they prolly went about doing their own stuff. So I went about doing my own stuff too.

Called daddy to ask if he could drive me to pasir ris to pick up my cargo and cabin bag. He told me not to go back to sleep. I said "no lah! I wun go back to sleep liao!"

Asked nicky wat time he'd be back from work...3pm..

Waited till it was 3pm, called my sis coz she said she'd be home at 3. It went like this...

Deb: Why you calling me? I'm in SCHOOL...
Me: You said you'll be home at 3 wat..
Deb: Ya... 3 wat.. now wat time?
Me: 3 plus lor!
Deb: No lah!~!~ It's only 12 something!!!
Me: .............huh??? but.... haha.. opps... sorry...haha..
Deb: I'm in schoooool..
Me: Okok.. byebye..

Then it dawned on me... why daddy said not to go back to sleep... why nobody called... why nicky isn't home yet... why my mummy wasn't at her desk during working hour...

It blardy fucking isn't 3!~

Stupid clock...
I need my phone...

*Argh*

somebody save me

Feeling a lil like i'm hanging on an invisible line, a lil like air. Something seems there.. yet it actually isn't... I dun really know how to place it, or put a name to it.

Sometimes I just wonder, why I even bother anymore. Why bother to change, why bother to care about how the other person feels. Feels just like a one-sided thing that I've created for myself, despite knowing how much simpler things could be if I just didn't care.

And why I care so much, I really don't know. Is it because people say that we're meant to be together? How would I know if we were MEANT to be together? And let's say I do know, then?? Am I taking on the mentality that, since I already know who I wanna spend the rest of my life with, why not spend a couple more years making more 'frens' before finally settling down the one who I already knew I'd settle down with? What if I don't wanna do that anymore, what if I really just wanna settle down and be happy with the one I'm with? But if I already have a ONE in mind, how will I ever be happy settling for someone else? But how would I know if I never try? If I never let myself fall, always taking him into consideration. How am I ever gonna be loved the way I should.

On a sidenote though, I realise how we wanna be loved and how we actually are loved often differ alot. Upon being hurt, we yearn for a nice guy, but really, the ones who actually do get you off... aren't exactly the nicest of guys, are they?

Back to my previous thought. Sooo.. let's say, he prolly feels the same way about me as well. And let's say we both are just too stubborn and too caught up in our lives to say we want to settle down. Hence we both protect ourselves by going out with other people as soon as we hear the other meeting a 'friend'. Is it gonna work like that from now?

In all honesty, I'm like dat because I know who I want to be with. And because I know, I care. And because I care, I get hurt. And because I get hurt, I'm scared. And when I get scared, I try to run. And when I try to run, I drink. And when I drink, I lose myself. And when I lose myself, I make mistakes. Maybe it works both ways, coz when I make mistakes, he gets hurt. Then he gets scared. Then he tries to run... blah blah blah...

I dunno if I'm making sense. Why issit so hard to let go?

scribbles

Staying home alone sure has its perks.

Woke up this afternoon with a slight 'headache', thanks to some gals who happened to have extra coupons for free drinks. Actually, it's 2 coupons with 5 stamps each which meant I could have 10 housepours. Took about 5 then passed the coupons on to some other person. It's like... Pay it Forward... one good deed deserves another! Ha!

Anywayz, went to ikea for more shopping and finally buying my new bedsheets. It's pink!~ Pale greyish pink with white sheets. Oh so schweeet! Am contemplating putting it on when my new curtain's ready but that might take a while. Bought some dual toned deep purple-black cloth the other day at Arab st hoping to make some nice curtains myself. Then I bought those thingys where u sew unto the cloth and u can straightaway place the hooks in. My only problem now's that I realise I'm quite short of the hook thingy coz i have to sew the hook thingy unto both sides of the cloth so I can change sides whenever I want to. That means... hmm... 2m x 4 sides + another 2m x 2 coz i bought another set of organza cloth as overlay. (I dunno if anyone got what I just said.)

So after tacking the sides and everything together... then it's sewing time. Which would be the easy part actually. Any volunteers?

Alrighty.. can't wait to put pics of my new room. Then I can have another room-warming party..

Back to tacking cloth!

domestic day

Came back last nite from Sydney with the intention of going out. Of course, it being a sydney flight where the passengers work us to death, I didn't even have the energy to get myself out of my uniform. Haha... contary to popular belief, the kebaya can be quite comfy to sleep in.. *sheepish grinz*

Anywayz, vivek made instant tomato soup which was.. er... nothing like what he's actually capable of making. The thought of instant food and vivek just don't match lah... he's the king of the kitchen! (Along with louis... of coz) Oh well, I have tons of instant and canned food in my cupboard, thanks to the $100++ worth of groceries I bought with Louis coupla weeks ago, which I haven't touched... *looks wistfully at the cupboard* Methinks I ought to learn how to cook. At least 1 decent dish. Grocery shopping will only be fun IF I know how to cook. Can't always be shopping at the instant food section all day long.. or can I??? keke...

Feeling rather domestic today. Already, at 11AM.. IN THE MORNING.. when the sun HASN'T risen to its peak, when the minimart downstairs HASN'T opened for business, where not that many people are online at work, you get the drift, I have, after waiting a good half hr for the disgusting, freakingly looking insect hanging on the ceiling right above me to finally fly out of my room, cleaned my room, brought my clothes in, ironed, folded and hung them back into the cupboard. Also made arrangements to deliver stuff from London to Adrian's dad. I'm well accomplished, and it's not even lunch time!~!~ Knowing me, it IS something to be proud of.

Shall treat myself to instant noodles with canned spinach, eggs and whatevericanfindinthecupboard. That, or wait for vivek to wake up and see if he'll like to join me for sumptuous lunch at ikea.

After lunch, it shall be sweeping the floor, mopping the house, and clearing the ashtrays... which reminds me.. ahem.. ciggie break!~lalala!~

the one and the wall

I think one of the saddest thing in life is to create a defence mechanism, build up a wall, be totally careful about the one you love the most.

I just had a conversation with a colleague about how he decided to settle down. He got married when he was 24.. wife.. 23.. hmm.. had their first kid at 25.. (ok, that i might skip).. hehe.. and it was only a yr after he joined the airline. So the question most posed to him was... "why do u not wanna look ard more and blah blah.. get to know more people.. blah blah.. " I guess u get point of what I'm driving at.

What actually determines when you decide you actually wanna settle down? How do u know when he or she's the one - oh the million $$ qns.

I guess you'll know it when you cannot imagine yourself living the rest of your life without him or her... or maybe it's when you know there isn't a need to second guess. Maybe it comes to a point where you KNOW the grass will ALWAYS be greener on the other side but still, you prefer the grass on ur side.. coz it prolly makes you feel more delirious.. Ultimately, it's when it makes you do the silliest and craziest things and you still boldly *takes a deep breath* say... I love you.

Back to the very first point, it's sad because even when you know and feel all of what I just said above, something inside you holds you back, and it's not the affections of someone else or anything you dun like about the person. It's just... pain, or the fear of it and hence up goes the huge wall of defense. It will never end coz this wall will forever stand and.. forever consider everyone guilty until proven innocent. And the saddest thing is that this wall will probably only keep the one you love the most out... and in turn create another wall on his or her side.

And the two of you shall be on opposite sides of the wall, wondering where each other are.. where in fact, he or she's been standing right in front of you... just too bad, the wall isn't transparent.