I am zen vamp...

Hooh! Finally after a gruling 48 +++ hours of reading, researching and writing, I managed to complete the freaking 3500 word essay. This means that I'm free to enjoy my holiday in freezing Manchester!~ Yayyy.... ! Been quite a roller coaster ride this week, mostly stressed about the dumb essay but now, I'm zen... hahah..

Watched Blade trinity at Adrian's place last sat.. (ok, i know this is a little backdated) but i've come to realise that I'm actually very very very attracted to vampires... Just one of those, I wish I could be one kinda moments. I think they are very sexy and i love the sensuality they possess. Like what I told char, if you do a clean job, there wun even be any blood or gore to scare u with... Plus I already live by nite so there's one thing I'll have no worries getting accustomed to!

I'm bringing feefee again for this trip. I figured it should be nice to take black and white pics now that the whether there's a little gloomy. Think it'll totally fit the mood. Beginning to want to bring Feefee everywhere. But still gotta get her fixed coz she's still cranky. Should be able to sustain this wk i hope.

Just spoke to Adrian and realised that.... EVERYBODY'S gonna be gone... aly and char, johan in army, adrian's taking ivan with him... sel later in the yr.. oh gosh oh gosh... there's normie, nicky and louis.. but they're all gonna be busy with their own lives... but it's okay.. I've got a life too!~ woohoooo.... diving trip, vietnam, tibet.. here i come...~~~

Might be wondering why the hell am i jumping from topic to topic? Well, coz I ain't thinking straight now.. am gonna catch a nap before tonight's flight.. see ya all next weekie!~ muakies!

Cape town

Time to get away from the hustle and bustle of life in Singapore and bask in the beautiful, natural flora and fauna of the cape town. I'm just sick and tired of feeling all emotional and screwed up. Wish I could stay away from Singapore for good. This place sucks.

Anywayz............. I believe I haven't mentioned anything about capetown and the word to describe it will be beautiful.

The first thing I saw upon arriving at capetown, even before we touched down, was the Table Mountain. Table mountain because the top of it is flat.. much like a plateau actually, then it comes down like a table... and when the clouds sorta like hover over it, it looks very much like a snowy white fluffy tablecloth. So there... Immediately I was like.. thank god I brought Feefee along coz I really hope to take some pretty pictures...

By the time we got to the hotel, it was ard lunch so we decided to meet at 1pm for lunch before heading to the Waterfront. Waterfront's very much like... a mix of sydney's fish market area, and Singapore's clark quay. Quite scenic but we got pretty bored after a while coz everything was the same and very very touristy. Bleah... so by 6pm, we were on our way to the hotel... Okay, that was chill day. But I spent a pretty gruesome coupla hours with my colleague trying to fix feefee coz apparently she decided to go into a coma on me when I tried to shoot a coupla test shots. I literally freaked out... thank god my friend managed to screw her properly so she decided to work. I still had to do some manual fingering to make sure she REALLY worked but the best way is to see if the pics turn out... I sure hope it's okay... or i'm screwed~

The next glorious day was spent driving ard capetown. We went to a vineyard and did some wine tasting.. unfortunately none of the wines caught my attention.. so I didn't get any... we went to cape of good hope.... the waves.. are... so.. beautiful... and the sound of them hitting against the rocks was so calming.. yet at the same time the splashes looked so strong and majestic. Hmm...

We went on to capepoint, which is the point where you're suppose to be able to see the joining of the atlantic and Indian ocean. Unfortunately, stupid place was too cloudy.. so we couldn't see shit. Arghhh... but i think I managed to catch a glimpse of it when the skies were clearing up a little. A long faint divide that's suppose to be where the waves hit each other because of the difference in temperature of the two oceans. Amazing.

We also stopped at various points, saw penguins and wondered how they could live in this climate coz it was pretty hot where they were. I always thought they had to be in the colder regions.. maybe i'll go do some research on that. Other than that, as I mentioned the various points, majority were mountains and the great big atlantic ocean. Come to think of it... after sometime, everything looked pretty much the same... but STILL beautiful... and very clean. Stopped by this roadside fruitstall and bought a box of grapes and some peach thingy.. cheap cheap... my colleagues bought like mangoes and pineapples by the boxes!

Super tired by the time we got back from the trip but it was alll good fun. Wish I could go back there. So many more things to do and places to go....until my next trip I guess. I so wanted to jump into the clear waters and stay there forever... build a little hut somewhere ard and live my days selling little trinkets and stuff... eat fish everyday, surf when the waves are good, tan when the sun is up, dive (when i get my license) and look at sharks... jog along the beach with me dog... make love under the moon and stars ... (now i'm getting dreamy)...

Oh back to reality... have got a freaking 3500 word essay due on 31st jan... and I'm going away to manchester on 28... and i've got a shanghai flight in between.. and i'm nowhere near complete! Ahhhh.... life sucks... for now...

Growing up sucks

Not that it's a big revelation but yah, i have to agree with nicky that growing up sucks. So many paths to choose, things to do and decisions to make. Decisions, decisions, decisions... Sometimes I wish I didn't have to make any of those and just live with wat I have. But... desire is what keeps the soul alive, isn't it?

So we keep desiring to have a better life. Doesn't have to necessarily be in terms of money though. A better life could be...

... getting away from the stressful lifestyle that we're living.
... being with somebody you love without anything hindering you.
... not having regrets with whatever decision you make.

I guess just being generally happy. Okay, I guess money does play a part because you need money to get away from the stressful lifestyle... hmm... that's about it? Hahah.. so much for money. Now i'm blabbering...

Can one move on and still hold on? Hm... does sound kinda oxymoronic to me in a way. But in another sense, it's probably like you know you'll always have a place for that someone in your heart, just that you know things will never be the same and along comes another guy or girl who sweeps you off your feet, and you're happy... and you live your lives seperate from each other, wondering maybe on certain nites how or what the other person is doing. BUT you're still happy with the one you're with now, no regrets... and you really ARE happy... but just wondering.. you know? Then.. are u REALLY happy?

I dunno man, I always thought you can truly move on if you've completely let go... if not, there's always gonna be a slight chance that you'll never be truly happy coz .. you start.. wondering.. then there'll always be a part of you that will be living in a dream that will never come to pass.

If I succeed in detaching myself from everything that this last relationship has left me with, does it mean that I've successfully let go and moved on? I hardly think so actually... Hmmm.... I think I should fight fire with fire... erm... u know, like putting salt on ur ulcer and even though it hurts like hell, it heals faster.. like drinking yucky tasting chinese medicine but they actually cure faster... like rubbing a bruise so hard till it turns all blue and black but it spreads the clots and heals faster...

I think i should meet melissa... it will be wierd but at least meeting her will give me a chance to know her and maybe heal faster and move on faster... of course it'll hurt, but that's the general idea, no?

Nobody owes you your own happiness

"Detachment" and "You are your worst enemy"

I've heard this word and phrase over and over again in the last two days I'm beginning to feel like there's a huge message that's trying very very hard to knock itself into my head. I'd like to focus more on the latter actually coz it kinda encompasses everything.

"You are your worst enemy"

I guess this phrase really sums up so many things about what we go through daily, be it family problems, work problems or relationship problems. Sometimes we feel like the whole world is crashing down. Maybe things ain't going fine at work and you blame yourself. Or even your colleagues who could really be the meanest of people. Sometimes you feel like you can't seem to move on or let go and just begin to wallow in self-pity, feeling all sorry for yourself, getting depressed.

Well, I'm not saying it's wrong to feel this way, I mean... I'm also guilty of the above but ultimately, I guess it's really a matter of choice. Like if you choose to let whatever your colleague do affect you, or if you choose to hang on to a little string of hope, or if you choose to let setbacks get in the way of fulfilling your dream.

You are really the only one who stands in the way of your own happiness. I am the only one who stands in the way of wanting or not wanting to let go. I'm the only one who stands in the way of finding my way back to God. I'm the only one allowing myself to feel, to love and to hate the way I do. I'm the only one standing in the way of allowing myself to be detached.

On another note, I know this sounds really strange but ever since a friend told me that Melissa actually reminded him alot of a particular really really close and dear friend of mine, I've realised that my hatred towards her kinda... lessened... Dun ask me why... I'm wierd. Sometimes I think I'm psycho coz my feelings can swing to extreme ends in a split second. Hah.. maybe if we met in a different, maybe more friendly encounter... we might have even been able to hit it off well! Haa.. that's what he said and I dun hold it against him if she really is as great a girl as the friend she reminds him of. Of course it still sucks though... urghhh...

Sigh... I hate to hate... and I hate to be trapped in my own hatred. I dun hate very often and I think being hateful just tires me out. I'm the only one standing in the way of allowing my hatred to cease.

Back to what Uncle David said before, "Nobody owes you your own happiness".

Sometimes it seems like the easiest thing to understand... yet the hardest thing to do...

The leap of faith

Spent the night at Nicky's place with the gang to celebrate his 23rd birthday... i must say it again, 23rd birthday! HA! Welcome to the club brudder... *HIAKZ* Anywayz, went to his place after my Jakarta flight, had nice yummy dinner at Hoover Restaurant before the guys went and bought.. erm... i think 10 durians? Gorged ourselves till we almost exploded... at least, I almost exploded. Ha.. then watched Shutter.. geee... haven't watch this kinda scary show since The Ring... it did feel kinda... empty in a way when there was no one beside for me to grab onto when the scary bits were on... but anyway, I had my knees to hug and fingers to cover my eyes.. i'm a brave gal.. muahaha..

Anyway....... Get over it.. get over it... get over it!

Just had a pretty long conversation with Roger on msn. About Church, about God... about taking that step of faith and let God change me. I must admit, I've changed alot over the past coupla years, picked up more than a coupla bad habits. I know the gang and all are pretty sure we'll all go to hell... I know I was pretty convinced or more like.. self-denial... more importantly, I was telling him that I dunno if I wanna let go of what I have now. But I also know that deep down inside, my heart's never really been hardened and like what I told Rog, I was probably more stifled.

Maybe it's a sign... with everyone telling me to move on and let go. Going back to church will really mean to let go. I may not be the best testimony... I may fall time and again. But I'm thinking, if I can forgive Lou despite the many times things have happened... how many more times will God forgive me? And if it hurts so much to love someone... how much more does it hurt God when I don't reciprocrate his love? And I know I might just start taking Him for granted... but after some deliberation.. we figured that maybe it's because I'm so serious about Him that it's gotta either be perfect or nothing.

I guess ultimately, it's like a relationship. You put too much pressure in making it perfect, it will just backfire coz the pressure's too great. Maybe all we need is just a great leap of faith in the right direction and not look back. Maybe instead of telling Louis, I should be telling God that I wanna try again and make it work this time. Hmmm

You're gonna lose that girl...

One week's gone by.

My friends ask me why the hell am I doing what I'm doing, why do I still care... why on earth do I still bother. I guess it's just me... sucker for pain... But well, I'm actually okay, or I do hope to think I'm okay so let's just hope time moves faster and that I move on faster. Yes.. I can't wait to move on coz I hate feeling crappy...

Too much drama in my life for the time being... haha.. I'm feeling kinda wierd. Had a pretty interesting conversation last night with a really good old friend of mine... and we realised.. let's just say... certain "nice to know" things we actually felt about each other. Muahaha... but he's attached... so it ends there... Timing lah, it's all about the timing. Life plays cruel jokes on us. Like when u need a cab and there isn't any in sight.. and days that you dun need any they sprout out like mushrooms everywhere. Irony of life.. bleah...

Am heading to Jakarta for a night later this evening. There's gonna be nothing to do there. Gosh.. i can't even go swimming or suana. Oh nooo... boring boring!~~ Sigh.. and because of a short trip like this, i have to miss my stupid mcq test on saturday. And because of that, the weightage for my essay's now 70% instead of 40%.. that's almost twice man!~~! 3500 words .... sigh sigh sigh....

But i guess that's okay... keeps me busy... takes my mind of trival things... matters of the heart.. fuck it.

Random thoughts after melbourne

Forgive me for harping on the subject like forever but it's just a situation, a phase that I'm going through right now and I just need to get over it by talking about it. Pardon my whininess.

It's been barely a month since he came back asking for forgiveness. Barely a month... Isn't it irritating when someone asks for a second chance, and just because you were slightly meaner, slightly more difficult but nonetheless definately melting down, decide to pull the plug on you, in less than a month? And the most ironic thing is that he only waits to do that just when you've finally warmed up just so that you can fall even harder and be left even emptier than when you first started, coz you actually gave the heart a chance to be ripped open right after being sewed up... and the freaking stitches hasn't even been removed.

I'm still not suicidal, thank god...

So much for waiting and wanting just a chance to start all over...

I need to move on...

Let me go...

Firstly, wanna say thank you to each and everyone of my friends who turned up at Liquidroom last nite to celebrate my birthday. Hope you all enjoyed urselves. I certainly did. *hugs*

23... sigh... I use to tell myself that I wanna get married by 24 *shudders*, have a nice happy 2-person honeymoon with my hubby for like a coupla years then get a kid before 30. Isn't it funny how life always turns upsidedown when you are reaching the end? It's like tripping before u reach the finishing line or the very last traffic light before you reach your destination turning red right after the car in front of you. How about putting the very last card on a tower of playing cards to see them all tumbling down? Or maybe winning a game of majong just to realise you're short of one tile? Anyway, you get the point.

It always happens like that. Sometimes someone can be perfect but the timing just isn't right. And you seem to wonder what it could've or should've or would've been if the timing was better. But then, hanging on to the should'ves, could'ves and would'ves will just keep holding you back from wat should be, would be and could be good.

I think we all should take a chance on life to see what else it holds in store for you. I think I should take a chance on allowing myself to be loved the way I deserve to be.

I've lost the ability to cry and sometimes, all it takes is a good cry for you to move on.

I need to cry.... I need to be human... I need to feel...

"I think all of us want to feel something...
Something that we turned our backs on...
Cos maybe we didn't realise how much we were leaving behind...
We need to remember what use to be good...
If we don't, we won't recognise it even if it hits us between the eyes..."

Rantings from Istanbul

Dear Blory...

Am in freaking cold Istanbul now. Was in Dubai yesterday and will be going back to dubai on the 4th before heading back to sg on 6 jan.

2005 hasn't started out the way i wanted it to.

I just heard from Louis, who heard from Melissa, that the guys are sorta like predicting that we can only last 6 months. I'm pretty pissed because of a couple of reasons. Firstly, come on, there's a reason why we say we're still working and ironing things out. We're not even officially together so why did they have to put an expiry date on us?

Secondly, fine if there's a stupid prediction or bet or whatever fuck shit... but WHY THE FUCK DID THEY HAVE TO TELL MELISSA ABOUT IT?!~~~!! Talk about the ultimate betrayal? I've never felt so disappointed in my friends before. I mean... it's okay if they keep it among themselves. Telling Melissa is just like telling the enemy that "hey, they can't hold out for long". I don't give a fuck shit about how long we can last coz like i said before, if it's good, it's good. If it's not, it's not. We'll just move on.

Anyway, utterly disappointed in my friends, whoever it was who were involved in the discussion or worst still, whoever it was that told that thing. Utterly disappointed in loving. Utterly disappointed in love and everything else that comes with it. I'm tired of loving.

Hope someday I'll find someone who loves me more than i do him or show me what it means to be loved and romanced again. Maybe then I'll start believing it can exist. Until then, I don't want to love anyone or anything anymore.

Hmm.. maybe I'll spend birthday weekend alone this yr for a change. So much for freaking happy 2005.