My schedule for Dec

Dear Blory...

This has essentially been a fucked up year for everyone. It's finally december and the year's finally coming to an end. Yayyy.... Can't wait for a new year. It doesn't promise anything great, things are still changing and people are still leaving or coming back... but maybe, just maybe, this silver lining or rainbow will start appearing soon.

However before that, I've got a fucked up roster which goes as follows:

Dec 1 - Manila Nightstop (back on 2 dec)
Dec 4 - Standby (bleah)
Dec 5 - Standby (bleah)
Dec 7 - Bangkok Quickie
Dec 9 - Paris (Yayyyy!~ back on 13 dec)
Dec 16 - Standby (arghh)
Dec 17 - Standby (arghh)
Dec 19 - Standby (ahhh)
Dec 21 - Brisbane (back on 23 dec)
Dec 25 - Standby (sobb =()
Dec 26 - Standby (arghh)
Dec 28 - Bali Quickie
Dec 29 - Bangkok Quickie
Dec 31 - Dubai (till next yr)

So there... dates not indicated means i'm off!~~ Shit man.. so many standbys... arghhhhhhhhhh~~~

I'm a boomerang~

Dear Blory..

I know I should be painting me freaking nails or going to sleep now coz i've got a freaking early quickie tomorrow to Hongkong but I ain't. Got too much I wanna say to want to go to bed. So here goes...

Had wine with Aly, Normie and Theresa today after class and after Bridget Jones' Diary. It was a nice show, pretty happy ending but not as great as the first one. But that's always the case with sequels so I ain't expecting or complaining too much.

Theresa asked me over wine, how much can u love a person? And to her question, I replied, you can love a person even though you're not together... and despite everything he or she has done. I never really knew how someone can do that, more so myself, but I guess there's always a first time. Like what Nicky said, it's like a boomerang feeling, when you know u wanna be with the person just that you wanna discover more of life and stuff... and so you throw urself out there into the big bad world.. but someday, someway, somehow.. u know.. Anyway, that might just sound like a damn naive thing or like an excuse to go fuck around, but he said he felt that applies alot to me and louis. I dunno... in some ways I agree... actually I very much agree... but well... dun wanna sound like a hopeless, romantic sod. So.. hmmm... we'll see..

Am listening to Leslie Cheung's Zhui now... in a wierd sense, it actually meant alot to me when he said he kinda dedicated this song to me during a karaoke session in china. So when will the chase finally end? And when will one finally be happy? No no.. i'm not deluding myself thinking that things will be good when I hear this song coz I know it won't. It's just... i guess... something that keeps me sane for the time being.

Hokay, am feeling kinda melacholic now.. Think I shall go retire and wake up earlier for nail polishing tomorrow.. Hope it'll be a good flight and here's wishing everyone who's reading this, well... better luck in love and to find someone who truly makes u happy.

I'm alive~~!

Dear Blory...

Just got back from the most tiring, happening trip I've ever had. Sydney. Sydney flights are scary... going down wasn't as scary as coming up, coz at least passengers were sleeping. Coming up, flight was full, it was a day flight, we had 2 meal service and the most most scariest thing is... THEY FREAKING ASSIGNED ME A GALLEY STEWARD POSITION.. this means, I'm doing an entirely new position for the first time!~~~~~ Holy shit... burn my fingers such that it's got a blister now... argh... cuts here there and everywhere. Sighhh... BUT, I'd just like to say that it was fun coz of the challenge. Hehee... good lah.. there's always a first time.

Anywayz, enough about the flight, let's talk about the trip. I had a very tiring yet fun trip. Caught up with val, char and john. It was nice to just chill (even though i fell asleep most of the time). Thank you guys for making my trip such an enjoyable one! Can't wait to get back there... (minus the flight though)... and start partying~~ =)

And, by popular demand.. hehe.. i've decided to put my roster on me blog so you guys wun have to guess where i am anymore. Hehe.. I've got a coupla resolutions I wanna acheive by end of the yr... and it goes like this...

1) Cut down on beer... and drink other stuff like hard liquor or wine coz it doesn't make u put on weight so easily.
2) Cut down on eggs... well, it does make you fat!~

Well, basically, I am just embarking on a diet programme coz judging from my recent beer fest, I'll be round in no time. So... I'm gonna cut cut cut~~!!!~ And gym of course..

Ooohh.. I'm so tired... got school later.. I think i'm gonna die... bleah... hopefully we'll chill at somewhere fun tonight~!.. Hmm.. bought ciggies for the guys again!~~ Tobacco and nicotine free... muahaha...

the one thing you can trust man to do, is to make mistakes

Dear Blory,

My lecturer said in one of my previous lecturers, "the one thing you can trust man to do, is to make mistakes." I think that shall be my mantra for the moment. Ha.. whatever..

Just got back from a nightstop at Jakarta. Couldn't go to the town area coz it was far off, the hotel was kinda like a golf resort type of place so had to stay in. But was okay... ended up swimming, went jacuzzi, suana then steam bath. Woo hoo... hehe.. Then I tried, in vain, to do some reading before dinner because when I switched channels, I clicked on Bad Boys. Sigh.. distracted I was. Which reminds me now... better get back to me assignment after this bloggy session. I feel like I'm talking to my therapist.

Anyway, you know what? I think.. no.. more like.. i'm not gonna care anymore. If he wants to be with her, if he's still confused after everything he said to me while I was in London, then so be it. I guess I've been as understanding as I could have possibly been. However, I've come to realise that I'm only human... and so I shall be. Why do I even bother how he'll feel if Jean-Luc comes down to Sg for a visit when he obviously doesn't really care at all. Oh well... thought too highly of myself, yes I did..

Oh well, I guess it'll be a good thing if I really do get to meet up with Jean-luc again in dec. What I admire about him is his sense of challenge and adventure. Leaving romantic Paris and travelling halfway around the planet just to do something different and challenge himself more... makes me feel.. hmm... this is really interesting. I guess there's probably alot I can learn from him coz of the different cultures he's been living in. Isn't this ironic? I've always wanted to do something like that, take off from where I am and just go, yes, live like a normad with the love of my life. But that's over.. so yah. Jean-luc isn't the first after Louis, and hopefully not the last (quite scary to hook up with the first or so who comes along the way no??) but then again, you never know...

3 weeks he'll be away. I think it's good coz he needs to be alone. Really alone just so he can think, not about who to choose, but just about refocusing his life. So yes.. it will be good. I guess he really doesn't need to come back with a decision anymore. Waiting for him to finally make up his mind is probably the greatest pain that one gets put thru coz he just takes too long.. so I'm done with waiting.

I've probably and will definately make mistakes in the days ahead. But then again, it's all part of growing up coz I dun believe in accidents. And well, like what I mentioned right at the beginning, "the one thing you can trust man to do, is to make mistakes"... so there~~~

Right kind of wrong

Dear Blory...

What do we do when we can't feel the way we should?

I should be ruthless, but I'm not.
I should be unforgiving, but I'm not.
I should be understanding, but I'm not.
I should be symphathetic, but I'm not.
I should be happier, but I'm not.
I should be more sure of myself, but I'm not.

Sighhh... everything was suppose to be fine.. or at least, I had hoped to start over on a clean slate. But how easy can it be when the other isn't letting go? Guilt, regrets, hurt will forever plague whatever happiness that could have had a second chance. What's wrong with allowing myself to have that second shot at what could have been? At least I know even if it failed, again, I only have myself and no one else to blame coz it's my decision. Now... everything's just gone wrong. It's become so complicated.

Indecisiveness is a curse. Add that to loads of charm and personality... and you get a dangerously, devilishly right kind of wrong person. Or the wrong kind of right person. I can't tell the difference anymore.

Can I have my shot again.. in peace?

Chirpy day after London

Dear Blory...

Wooo.. I'm feeling unusually chirpy today, even though I've just came back from a 12.5 hour flight from London. Hmmm... I dun really feel like sleeping, am thinking of hitting the gym before going to school tonight! Am pretty excited about school too.... Enough resting and drinking after every flight. Now at least I have something constructive to do - other than the stupid candle favours that is finally gonna be over!~~ whoopee..

This might be a stupid statement but I finally realise why london cabs in singapore are called london cabs... hehe.. it's because that's how ALLL cabs in London look like!~ DUHHH... haha.. hey, i never thought of it that way okay.. so yea.. we learn something new everyday!~

Met up with adrian and we went out sightseeing with me buddy jasmine on my free day in London. Went to Kensington park to have breakfast before heading to ermm.. covent garden (shopping area), walked to trafalgar square (pardon the spelling), then took the london eye (huge ferries wheel) to see the whole of London. Got a glimpse of the Big Ben... too bad we weren't able to catch Phantom of the Opera... Dammit!~ Nevermind lah.. next trip it shall be. :P

Dinner was at Adrian's place.. ooohh... he has a very very cool room with a very very cool attic!~ Sorta like a loft area... with computer, his alcohols (as usual) and.. we had shisha!~~ hahaha.... having your very own pipe is far more heavenly than sharing 1 freaking tube with like 5 people at kasbar.. so there.. kasbar is a waste of time.

I'm happy.. slightly confused but happy... I look forward to see how this will all work out. We shall see okay? We shall see.. Sighh... Okay, time to wash up and decide if it's gym or not!~

Imagine

Dear Blory...

Imagine how great life will be if we are able to do what we want, live the way we want and say what we want to say without being bothered by monetary issues, families, relationships and responsibilities.

If I had my way, I'd take off from this crazy place and go live somewhere else. Somewhere more adventurous, somewhere more dangerous, somewhere where I can be independent and build my own house up. Literally, if that's possible.. haha.. I'll get paid doing the things I like, maybe pay me to croak at a coupla weddings... play the piano?? Okay... let me plan your wedding. Just pay me enough to cover my month's expenses, food, and transport and I'll be a happy person.

If I had my way, I'd get a Siberian Husky.. droooools... and a little kitten and watch them grow up together in my backyard. They'll be the cutest and oddest pair of pets in my area... dysfunctionally cute. I love being dysfunctional. It makes me feel more alive.

If I had my way, I'd take like 2 years off and go see the world! Maybe really get down to doing the trip from China then cross to mongolia, russia and woo hoo.. arrive at some wierd shit destination.. and maybe settle there for 5 years or so... live on an island... live in Paris (?? haha) wherever lah..

You see... I believe that all these are possible and doesn't really have to be in sequence. Ha! I might just get the husky and all when i'm retired.. or start my travelling plans when I'm 50.. but nonetheless, it's just goals that would be nice to fulfill. I think I wanna do bungy jumping before I die. Yep... I should make a list of the must-do things before I die...

Welll... big big IFs... but as my three favourite words go... "you never know"... but in the meantime... bleahh...

Off to London for another 5 days! Meeting adrian (finally)... Hope this trip will be good.. =)

Fucking around, fucking up, fucking off...

Dear Blory...

Spent quite a nice little weekend over in Melbourne with Vina and I must say... it was truly enjoyable, besides the fact that I almost got knocked down by a reversing truck. Well.. i think the driver didn't see that i was walking past behind or something and it reversed~~ bumped into my arm abit...I was like.. ooohhh... THAT was dangerous...

Anyway, back to Melbourne and Vina. We spent a nice dinner at Chinatown before heading to this Arts Fest place near the Yarra river (i think). Wanted to watch a play but unfortunately it was fully booked. But it was okay.. headed over to the bar beside for a drink.. then I think i was too tired so we went back to get some rest. The next morning was a yummy breakfast at this coffee place along St Kildas beach. Heard so much abt it, seen so many pics of it... finally, i'm there myself.. hehe. The waters weren't very pretty.. i mean.. it looked more like there was an oilspill or something. But other than that, it was just nice to walk along the beach and feeling the breeze.. Went on down to Chapel street for a little bit of shopping before heading back to the city for dinner. That was the basic itinerary.

We talked alot. We talked about how we're trying to get on with life, how we felt about our relationships and how we felt about relationships in general. I was beginning to realise that Vina and I are going through very much the same cycle. Sleepless nights, drinking to sleep, certain days u feel like everything will work out fine.. other days it's like.. oh man.. i think I should die. We sounded almost like man-haters but then again, concluded that we're too horny to be man-haters for life. Hooo welll.. The entire experience was kinda surreal in a way. Nothing exciting but very enlightening and I liked it.

Came to realise that maybe the problem with me and him was that we never really had these sort of serious conversations. Everything was pretty much rosy (or he wanted it to be) for me. All those baby talk probably took it's toll on us, and maybe that's why he went for a much older person. Maybe if we had grown up a little more quickly and moved on from honeymoon to real life, things might have been different. But anyway, there's no chance to see how that will work out now so... move on, I will. But I probably also wun be thinking or feeling so much right now if things haven't happened the way they did, so I guess this was a blessing in disguise. I should be thanking him now huh...? hmm..

I'm not saying I'm over him already or anything and I dun think I ever will be. I'm just tired of hoping and wishing and having any expectations of anyone just to be disappointed again. Nothing lasts forever and no matter how great the guy is or how much they say they love you, one day.. they will disappoint. Again, I'm still no man-hater but I just feel that instead of having great hopes and expectations, maybe it's better to think small and think of the worst. Then if it really happens, the disappointment wun be too great. I'm not saying be paranoid or anything but just to maintain balance with the hopes and expectations. So little moments are the best coz memories last forever. Good memories.. i mean. Bad ones are just lessons that life is teaching us.

Gosh, I think I'm feeling too much. But I know I'm not the only one. Apparently, while Vina and i were in melbourne concluding that our group of friends are all pretty much melodramatic in their own way, I hear from aly that that's what he and Nicky were talking about too. Guess this is what quarterlife crisis means. We're old enough to still be able to stomach whatever we're going through right now but not jaded enough to be numb to it. Old enough to keep wanting to make sense and young enough to still be confused. Shit.. we're only 22!~ There's so much more out there that we haven't conquered!

So yes.. I guess we're still in that stage where it's pretty much still okay to fuck around (not literally), fuck up and fuck off.

Thoughts, thoughts and more thoughts

Dear Blory...

Today's been a rather rollercoaster day for me. Not physically coz the only thing i did constructive was to visit the gym (finally), but well, an emotional and mental one for me. I'm currently speechless even though throughout the entire day, I had kinda constructed millions of things I wanted to say.

I wanted to say...

Hey, look at it this way, all of us will someday become someone elses' fleeting memory. Yes, things will be lovey dovey and all sweet but somewhere along the line, things happen and all good things come to an end. So what do we do? We embrace the feelings we have now and plead the fleeting moment to last forever. And when it doesn't, at least you'll be prepared to close the chapter and open a new chapter, a new beginning, a new moment in life that you'll forever hold dear to you. And know that each and every of this moment will always be different.

Bittersweet but true. We read about these things in books, magazines.. we hear about it from friends and I'm pretty sure, we've experienced it somewhere along the line. The disappointment, hurt and sadness that will always accompany the sweetest memories of a relationship. We are all just drawn like a moth to a light to temptations even though we know the consequences. But wat can we do? We are only humans in this big bad world. Men fell since the beginning of time... there's really no escaping this reality is there?

I just read his blog.

Love... There can only be one kind of love that will last and that is unconditional love. Agape, as the bible calls it... that can really only be done so by God himself. But I think there's another kind of love that might be able to withstand the test of time. It probably wun be as righteous or self sacrificial as the love mentioned above, but well, it's the kind of love you know you can only give to one person in your entire life. That one kind of love that you know once it's given, will never be able to be withdrawn because you can't bear to ever withdraw it. Yet you're not clinging onto it and are letting go. Hasn't it always been said that if you love someone you've got to set them free? That's the love I'm talking about.

Yes, falling in love with someone else is not impossible and I'm sure people have found the ability to love again and again. But I really believe, and also as Nicky says, that this love will be different from the other love, and from the other love and so on coz nobody can take the place of another person. Every memory of someone will be different and every love, every moment you carve in your heart will be different.

I dunno what else to say anymore. Sometimes I wish he'd just try to right the wrong instead of wallowing in self-pity and depression. But then again, I dunno what the right and wrong is anymore. He's going on a holiday tomorrow with her. As much as I wish the plane will crash, I pray it wouldn't coz I dun think I can bear the thought of them dying together. This is mean but she can go down with the plane for all I care.

Maybe we just need more time to figure out what do we want. I know I probably shouldn't be saying this but in case you're wondering... I've also been wondering if I can ever find someone who will share the exact dream with me...

Ah well, do we then settle for second best? How will we know what's best and what's bestest? Sigh.. I dunno, hence I remain here, pondering...

Out with the gang!

Dear Blory,

Went out for a movie with the gang today and gave them their pressies!! It's wind-proof lighters from Japan! Haa.. quite cool so I thought they'd like it. Plus the ciggies I bought from LA and Tokyo. Damn... I think I'm like the worst influence now, encouraging them to smoke and all.. sheesh.. who would have known!?

Hmm... what is life all about? Let me try to list 10 of em down...

Life is about...

1) ... making mistakes and learning from it
2) ... living with contradictions
3) ... spending time with people that are important to you
4) ... knowing who means the most to you
5) ... being crazy as longas you're happy
6) ... experiencing everything so you can differentiate what's good and what's not
7) ... allowing yourself to let go and if you get hurt in the process, so be it
8) ... being true to yourself
9) ... not having any expectations of anyone else
10) ... Loving

There should be more... but that's all I can think of now... I'm tired...

Oh! am going to the gym tomorrow and probably meeting my stupid fat bitch client. Arghhh... stupid candles are driving me nuts!~~~ Blardy hellll... if only she'll just look for other alternatives. Stupid bitch.. bleah... get outta my life...

Maybe one more thing I should add to the above list.. life is about ...

11) ... learning to deal with irritants...

Back from Long trip!

Dear Blory...

It's really nice to finally be able to listen to music from my computer. Haaa.. at least I wun feel so lonely when I'm on the comp in the weee hours of the morning.. I will never be lonely anymore!~~ heh heh heh... I'm a happy person...

It's been a truly eventful week away in Tokyo and LA. Drank everynite with me colleagues and some other colleagues from other flights. It was nice to meet new people and talk about really stupid things. No prizes for guessing wat was the main topic lah.. Main point is, it's just nice to mix around and hang out with new people who have no idea what your history is and they don't have pre-conceived judgements abt u.. Okay.. except maybe when they saw my tattoo.. I think they kinda saw me in a different light.. like.. "I can never imagine that you have a tattoo!! You look so.. guai..." Bleah...

Oh oh!! I met Aska on my last nite in Tokyo! Haaa.. quite a funny way we met, like going on a blind date thingy but it was fun and I have nicky to thank.. hahah.. another friend on me list!! hyuk... I think we hit it off pretty well... initially I guess we were like... hmm.. i dunno her, wat am i gonna say to her.. will it be awkward? But it was far from that.. we had nice dinner at this Buddha bar lookalike place in Shinjuku.. and we talked so much! Hahaha... oh welll.. next time I go back to Tokyo, I'm so gonna give her a call.. that is, if she's there and not holidaying in Singapore!! hee hee..

Interestingly, when I got back to Tokyo from LA, met this Parisian guy who is kinda cute.. haha.. anyway, he gave me his no and I think I might call him.. no lah.. email him so I can get a free tour when I go to London mid Nov.. Now all I need is a little more craziness in me to do it. Aiyah.. enough about good looking or cute guys or wierd guys I've met. I'm not man-crazy or anything... just that this sudden bit of freedom's a little overwhelming.. I just need to get used to it.

But well... I dunno what's my problem anyway. Why can't i get intimate with a guy without having to ask him his entire family background. Haha.. like it's actually gonna affect anything... but it did lah with the little fling I had on the trip. Oh well... Anyway, well something I've learnt about guys, no matter how much they say whatever they say, most of the time, they will be led by the dick.. marriage certificates and family can take a walk by the side coz it doesn't mean a thing... at least not at that moment of folly... and no.. nothing much happened. I'm boring.........

Hmmm.... am I never ever going to trust in someone again? Should I just go hang out and be the slut most girls are?

i finally have my mp3 up and running because i finally got my soundcard up and running!!! million thanks to me dearest bro jacob!!~~~ YOU DA MAN!~~~~

Oh oh.. and i finally learn how to use the html stuff to do the linking stuff... woo hooo.... and now... let's see wat else i can add into me blog!!.. tee hee hee... this is exciting!!~~

Serious stuff will be left till the 2nd edition of today's blog.. haha...