Another day in L.A.

Dear Blory...

Spent the day in downtown L.A. today! I think I almost killed my friend, making her walk with me all the way from Beverly Centre to Melrose Ave, then up to La Brea before we hit Hollywood boulevard.

Phew~

It was really fun coz we were basically following the map alll the way. Of coz I did the navigation.. hiakz.. It's like an accomplishment man. I love the feeling of being able to reach where I wanna go just by looking at the map! Especially when I told me colleagues that I wanted to walk, everyone was like.. it's damn far.. better to drive.. but I DID IT!~~ Muahahaaa...

Then there was this amazing thing that just happened along the way while I was walking back to La Brea... this lady who was walking just in front of me suddenly turned around and asked if I was doing some Yoga stuff. I said no.. then she said she was psychic and that she felt a very powerful sense of positive energy from me. That's why she stopped and wanted to read my palm. Hmmm... kinda scary... she told me that I have alot of positive energy, which is a very good thing, but it's not flowing through inside. As in, inwardly, my heart not following how I feel on the outside.. or something..

She said just from looking at me.. (she hasn't read my palm yet), she said I was going through a transitional period right now and will have to make an important decision between now to Jan. Hmmm.... and the scariest thing.. she said there's someone I love, but somehow, he's sorta not around and there's like always going to be a back and forth thing... I was visibly shocked at her reading.. but didn't really want my palm to be read in the end coz I fear self-fulfilling prophecies...

I met her when I took a turn to look for hollywood warner studios which is not exactly where we were suppose to go... so it's really mere chance.. almost like... geeee... everything happens for a reason! Ahhh...

oH wELL...Happy halloween!~~

Dear Blory,

Greetings from LA!~

Heh... finally got to LA after one nite in tokyo. Hmm... gonna be a long long day tomorrow coz i'm hoping to wake up early to go Universal Studios, and just to walk around town and all. Pretty excited about it! Yey...

Something wierd, this Taiwanese guy I met at the airport kinda walked me out along with the rest of my crew and we were chatting and all... He ain't that great looking lah.. haha.. but anywayz, that's not the main point. I kinda rejected his request to give him my number but guess who decided to call me up at my hotel!? Hmmm.... Anywayz, we chatted for a bit, apparently he's got a pretty cute younger brother that he might wanna introduce to me.. haha.. Oh well.. he's gonna be my tourguide when I come back to LA again. Quite funny lah.. imagine me speaking chinese... ALL THE TIME.. wahahaha... communication problem siah..

Wow.. i've got a damn perverted chief steward.. wakao.. haha... too bad he ain't that great looking.. but i guess a little bit of harmless porno topics are okay.. anyway, i've been through worst topics with me good guys friends over here... *winkz*

Blory... I've been drinking last nite.. and tonight... evening more like it... I wish I didn't have to drink but it's beginning to feel good... shit shit shit... Manage to meet my teammate in the hotel and talked to her about what's been happening to me recently. True.. i guess... I'm not too surprised about what happened because these days, people cheat.. people lie... people just walk away... it's just so damn common that it almost doesn't mean anything anymore... Sighhh...

Anywayz, I'm off to play more card games and probably drink more... may i sleep more soundly tonight... :)

A 'sort-of' prayer

Dear Blory...

Am having a hot cuppa coffee now for breakfast while I await the time to leave home for LA. Didn't get to sleep a wink last nite and I'm wondering how I can last the entire 16 hours onboard. I tried to sleep, I really did... tried to make sure that I went to bed at 1.30 or 2 am latest to get up at 5.30am.. alas... 5.30 came and I was awake all the time... I'm so tired of trying to fall asleep...

If I were to say a prayer... this is how it goes...

Dear Lord,

Haven't been speaking to you in a while, hope you're listening...
Just wanna say that I'm sorry.. for making you sad in so many ways...
Just a coupla prayer requests that I hope you can answer...

This is for a friend who's disappointed and tired.. pray you'll give him strength.
This is for a friend who's love is far away... pray you'll give him love.
This is for a friend who's losing his meaning in life... pray you'll give him hope.
This is for a friend who's busy and stressed out.. pray you'll give her wisdom.
And for the rest of my friends who're embarking their new journeys.. pray you'll give them direction.

I dun think i've covered all.. but here are the ones that are really important to me...

Last but not least, pray that I can have a sound sleep soon.. I just want to rest...and that I wun become an alcoholic just to fall asleep...

Hokay... time to log off and go on to my next destination. Hope it'll be an interesting experience, and that I'll learn something new.

Be still my heart

Dear Blory,

Nicky introduced this song to me today... this is how it goes...

My heart is not lonley or broken
It's not of ice or of gold
Not has my heart ever spoken
To me when a love has grown cold

I felt not the faintest falther
When you brushed my cheek as you passed
Nor will I willingly falther
My life with these thing that don't last

Be still my heart
My heart be still
Be still my heart
My heart be still

If our eyes should meet then so be it
No need to truble a heart
That is hidden where no one can free it
Only to tear it apart

Be still my heart
My heart be still
Be still my heart
My heart be still

Beware, beware
to care, to care
beware, beware

Be still my heart, My heart be still
Be still my heart, My heart be still

Thanks dude...

Dear Blory...

Hmmm, where shall I start? Okay... well, the weekend has been pretty okay. Much like an emotional rollercoaster ride for me. One moment, I'm okay and at peace with everything and my heart, the next, I'm emotional, paranoid and sad.. Haha.. Whatever lah.. whatever...

Went to celebrate aly's birthday on Sat at Karaoke, even though I was on standby, I mean... fuck it lah... If i get called up, just go back lor. So paranoid for wat rite? Karaoke.. well.. mixed feelings lah, all I can say... I dunno how to describe how i feel anymore. I've overfelt! geeezzz...

Met up with Huiyi on Sunday and we had a nice good time catching up! I think I walked the entire stretch of orchard like ... i dunno... twice? Haircut was at far east, then i headed to borders coz she was gonna take a while more. Then, we met up at sakae at hmv, after dinner, we popped over to cine to look at movie times... nothing interesting, and we decided to head to lido. Nothing interesting too, then we decided, heck.. let's just go alley bar.. so imagine the distance.. haha!

Met Mingshen and Jacob last nite, they kindly volunteered to go supper with me after my quickie flight. It was sorta nice to hang out with a different group of people I guess... not so much reminders, not so much questions, just plain hang out. Went for a drive through at Mingshen's territory, which is the changi villiage area... went up and down wierd turns and bends, man u never know how ulufart changi area is boy! Anyway, that was insightful... got home at 4 plus... slept like a baby for the first time...

I think I've found my sleeping pill..

Gonna meet some financial planner today.. I hope he's cute.. haha.. then meeting stupid client.. Then meeting the gang, I think.. ho welll... off to tokyo and LA tomorrow morning.. If i get caught in a typhoon in tokyo, guys, u know how much i love all of you... if you dun hear from me by 4 Nov, that is...

Sigh... u think dying is better??

Random thoughts again...

I'm not acting tough, I really am not...
I wanna forget, I know I have to forget, I know I will forget.

I'm not pretending, I really am not...
I feel the pain, I taste the pain, I hate the pain.

I'm not rushing things, I really am not...
I need time to feel , I need time to heal, I need time to be sure.

Please stop telling me it's not worth it.. please stop telling me to forget... please stop telling me what to do because all these things I know I should do... I just need time.. and I will be fine. And when the day comes when I can find something, someone, somewhere that makes it all better, I'll know it will all be good, coz everything happens for a reason.

Come what may

Dear Blory...

Had high tea with Normie, Aly and Sel yesterday at Marriott. Haaa.. my first time doing this high tea thing so it was pretty fun... except when the freaking bill came and it was like $30++ per person.. i was like.. WTF??!! haaa... geeee.. and i was suppose to get a free treat from a certain someone... hooo welll...

Anywayz, after deliberating on what to do.. as usual, we headed down to wala wala where nicky had a table with his friends.. i still remember their names! Ha.. coz I was trying to improve my name memory skills.. muahah.. anywayz, it was fun last nite..

Had a talk with louis... settled more stuff... talked stuff through... went around circles and circles and we decided, once again, to give ourselves more time to see if this is what we really want. Sure that bittersweet feeling still lingers but I think I'm okay... in fact, too okay that the guys think i'm just putting on a mask.

I'm not... trust me... I'll be fine.. i've grown.

Hmmm... it's standby day today and I'm hoping they dun call me. Ha! But i'm still patiently sitting around at home just in case. Plus I dun really feel like going out. Town is so boring.. Singapore is so boring.. gosh I'm so sick of thinking of what to go and going through the same routine every single weekend. I need to find something new to challenge myself!

Oh oh! I think i'm going to do some diving when I can get a weekend off! Hiakz... new skills, new things to do... sounds like a really good plan in this bleak coupla months to come.

We're all growing up so fast, moving on so surely that it's so scary. I'm scared of the changes with the guys starting the company, the rest of them going aussieland to study while the girls come back from their studies with their degree and a whole new life. Pretty soon we'll be busy doing our own thing, building up our little dreams, meeting new people, breaking more hearts... hmmm...

Oh welll... come what may, it will alll be good.. all we can do is to keep the faith.

Insomnia

Dear Blory...

*Yawnz*... Insomnia for the last few nights is taking it's toll on me.. but I still can't seem to rest my freaking head... Sighhh... When is this gonna end.. gosh it's like my worst month of the yr man.. it's cursed!

First, suffered emotional damage.. then.. i fell sick.. am still sick.. then my period came, giving me irritatingly painful cramps while i was trying to have fun in Korea.. and to top it all up, I CAN'T FREAKING SLEEP!~ God i'm so damn tired but i can't seem to rest... arrrrgggghhhhhh.. i think i look 100 yrs older than I should.. :(

Anyways, nuff complaining... just got back from a short trip to Seoul. It was nice coz I had a whole day after the day i landed to go shop till I drop and that I did! Went to Nam .. erm.. shit. i can't remember the name.. but anyway, this shopping area just around my hotel.. then went to this jewellery wholesale shop.. then went to Myoung Dong and walked the entire afternoon... back to hotel to offload, then off to yet another shopping area ... phew!!! My legs were cursing me.. i could feel it. Haaa...

Oh well... back in sg for the weekend.. I wonder wat this weekend will be like.. HMMMM....

I shall go now.. TRY to sleep... sighhh... if this goes on.. i'll need sleeping pills.. hmmm.... maybe i should finish my bottle of cough mixture in one shot... and sleep... ZZzzzZzzzzzzzZzzzzZzZ...

Bittersweet

Dear Blory...

I met him today and we talked about what has happened over the last coupla years that led to this. Well, it's nobody's fault and I guess things just happen that we dun have an answer to. I guess, I kinda saw the problem too... sorta like, I knew something like this will happen but I just didn't dare think about it or do anything abt it...thinking maybe, just maybe... we can pull through..

I'm glad he had the courage to do what I know I couldn't do... to want to make things right.. and that's why I dun hate him. We have our lives ahead of us and really, we'll never know what to expect say tomorrow, next year or 10 years from now... I guess it was just adapting to the changes that I was afraid to face.

Now I'm ready to embark on this new journey.. this new chapter of my life... and I'm very much looking forward to it. I'm glad we're still friends despite it all, and I know, that's the one special thing that we have...

Read the following from a book today that sums up what it's all about to me.

"It's funny. You love something and then one day it's suddenly gone or changed or lost forever. But somehow that doesn't stop your love. Maybe that's how you know it's the real thing. When it doesn't come with conditions and get out clauses. When it doesn't have a best-by date, when you just give your love and never stop giving it, and know that you never will. That's when they can never touch it or spoil it or take it away from you."

Now, I can finally say... I'm truly flying...

Oh my god.. i just starred in the most fuckingly funny joke of my entire life and earned a slap in return... the biggest slap I ever had and will ever allow myself to get...

oh my god.. i feel like dying.... i feel like killing myself... i feel like killing someone...

I was such a foooool! The biggest, greatest idiot!

FUCK!~

Today's quickie

Dear Blory!

Wow.. compared to how the entire weekend has been, i must say, I'm kinda glad I had a nice quickie flight today. Hehe... yea, that's wat i'm calling it in future... it's a QUICKIE flight.. muahaha! Anyways, the flight was good. Kinda came and went so quickly that before I knew it, I was back in Singapore.. money's not that great but anything to occupy my time man.. anything... i swear.

The weekend's been nice.. friday nite spent at jazz bar, Saturday nite, after going round and round the usual options of where to go after dinner...

"let's lan.." says Aly...
"no.. I'm kinda tired.. dun feel like lanning" says normie..

"let's bowl!" says me...
"no.. i sprained my thumb while sleeping... " says normie...

"Let's go karaoke" says nicky..
"NO." says aly and normie...

In the end, after walking to mccafe and spending some money, we ended up at Nicky's place.. watched 2 vcds, the guys watched soccer.. and .. porn.. bloody hell bunch of guys watching porn on the comp while I was trying to watch my vcd, in the same freakin room, more like.. HALL... haha.. well at least NOW i know wat kinda porn nicky likes! HIAKZZZZZ.... ;P

I know i'm doing ok for now... and i guess i've taken an entirely different outlook in this area of relationships. Nothing is forever. So whatever happens, just treasure what u have at that moment coz it might just be for that moment. I use to think well... if it's truly love, it's definately gonna last and withstand all tests, no? But I guess... as long as you know that at that very moment, wat you felt was really really love.. even if you drift apart eventually, the love will always remain.. it's just the passion that's taken a walk. Why hold back from potential relationships just because u want to find the right one? That's me in the past... I use to not wanna get into relationships so quickly coz I dun wanna get hurt.. but come to think of it.. I'm only hurt because of what I put in.. so there you go.. you dun put in so much, you dun get too hurt.. you dun hold back too much, you allow yourself more opportunities for a shot at happiness. Even if it's shortlived, at least you can look back and say.. I've lived and loved and for that moment in time, I was happy.

I was doing pretty okay.. until his mum called. That was really wierd. She actually asked me how I was doing.. and to talk to her if I need to.. awwwww maaann... how super ultra sweet can that be?! THAT made me almost burst out in tears outside the terminal while waiting for me dad to pick me up... sigh... sigh... sigh....

Hoo well... hope things will get better someday.. for both of us. This song's for him... and for those who've loved and lost.

"Please Remember" - leann rimes

Time, sometimes the time just slips away
And you're left with yesterday, left with the memories
I, I'll always think of you and smile
And be happy for the time I had you with me

Though we go our seperate ways
I won't forget so don't forget the memories we made

Please remember, please remember
I was there for you and you were there for me
Please remember, our time together
The time was yours and mine and we were wild and free

Please remember, please remember me

Goodbye, there's just no sadder word to say
And it's sad to walk away with just the memories
Who's to know what might have been
We'll leave behind a life and time we'll never know again

Please remember, please remember
I was there for you and you were there for me
And remember, please remember me

Please remember, please remember
I was there for you and you were there for me
Please remember, our time together
The time was yours and mine and we were wild and free
And remember, please remember me

And how we laugh and how we smile
And how this world was yours and mine
And how no dream was out of reach
I stood by you, you stood by me
We took each day and made it shine
We wrote our names across the sky
We ride so fast, we ride so free
And I had you and you had me

Please remember, Please remember

TGIF!

Dear dear blory...

Was technically my first group outing last nite with the gang.. louis went for a diving trip so it wasn't that awkward. Maybe next week when things are more settled we'll be able to meet face to face and you know, be friends and all again without feeling wierd..

You think? Who am I kidding!? Hah.. hooo welll...

Anywayz, we went to a jazz bar last night to fulfill our "cultured" weekend goal. Might even pop by Ballet under the Stars tonight if we're cultured enough! Haa.. actually i am, but coz I'm on standby tomorrow, feel a little apprehensive abt going, just in case I get called up for a... hmm.. midnight flight?

The guys were great last night. Had dinner with my two banana boyfriends, Nicky and Alywin and Johan - who was suppose to be at the diving trip too but alas, he just went to Israel and coz of that can't enter Malaysia. Geez.. no luck means no luck.. Anyway back to last night, we opened a bottle of Chivas and I discovered that it goes really well with Gingerale! Haaa... it shall be my new poison till I find something else to quench my thirst. Hiakz.. ;p

The gang dedicated Time after Time to me... and it was nice.. as in, the song didn't sound like what i'd expect Time after time to sound like but the dedication was sweet enough... and I had to boost the egos of the men around by telling each of them something that I find charming abt them. Haa... well.. I managed to sincerely squeeze something out for each one of them - Namely Alywin, Normie, Evan, Johan, Ivan and Nicky - in that order. Sel, Gracia and Elissa left earlier so too bad for Sel.. heheh...

After jazz, which was about 12-ish, Theresa and Evan left first but I didn't really feel like going back so the guys accompanied me to a movie. White Chicks, not that I haven't watch it before but since we wanted something funny, I decided I could do with the show again... and I still laughed my head off so it was good. Before I know it, got home ard 4 am and I think my bio-clock is really screwed up coz I couldn't sleep till like 6am??

I guess I really appreciate what the guys and gals are doing... Aly gave me a candle in a bottle with a message that I couldn't be more touched by... Nicky told me how he felt I was above everything that Louis said I was... Johan said I'm strong.. Mature = Sexy... haha.. now I know.. and I know the rest are there and will be there to listen to me rant and whine if I have to. But I wun... not all the time, that is... Alright, time to go find something to do... my first saturday at home... hmmm... this is gonna be something I'll have to get used to... sighhh...

Guys and Gals! I love you all sooooooo much!~

So much for my happy ending

Dear Blory...

Just got back from Frankfurt early this morning with a very terrible flu.. I thought it was gastric flu and true enough, it is... bleah... It's blardy cold in frankfurt, so I think I caught the cold from there... but my stomach's been giving me trouble since friday.. so I guess it all added up.

So sick and tired to type anything else...

Oh yes.. thought abt the entire thing and I'm quite sure now, i'm not taking the stupid "i'm busy and cannot commit" reason as a reason for breaking up... it must be something more and I'd really have appreciated it more if he just said he didn't love me.. at least I dun have to ponder on whether things can be worked out..

Fuck this lah.. I'm sick and tired.. and my heart still aches like crazy...

Random thoughts

Dear Blory...

One of those fleeting, random thoughts I'm having right now is that... maybe, louis doesn't love me at all anymore..

First it was spending time with friends, then it was getting use to the changing environment and the decisions and responsibility that come with it... Now it's his new job, new life, new beginning...

Hmmm.... maybe it was all just an excuse to get rid of me coz the bottomline is that he just doesn't love me anymore. That he has grown tired of me... or worst, that there might be a new female attention that he's enjoying right now. At least for now, it seems, I'm pretty sure it's not coz of another girl.

I had a nightmare last nite about him and another girl... sheesh.. of course, i got violent again, in my dreams of course.. but I think i'm going crazy!!

Maybe he's just bored of me...
Maybe he wants to look for excitement somewhere else...
Maybe he doesn't love me anymore...
Maybe he can't see us growing old together anymore...
Maybe he's never even loved me at all before...
Maybe he'll miss me....
Maybe he wun...
Maybe he'll change his mind...
Maybe not i reckon...

Oh welll.... leaving for frankfurt in a coupla hours.

Maybe it's for the better...

The fleeting moment has fled...

Dear Blory...

The culmination of the entire week's nightmare happened last night behind wala walas... Louis broke up with me and this time, I know it's for real. Like.. serious serious.. haha.. "go where?" Personal joke with the love of my live.. I'm going mental! Anyway, Yep, it's finally over. Like the saying that goes, all good things must come to and end. My end has come... I'm glad things happened the way they did and I'm happy the way things were for the pass 3 yrs and I'd never change a single thing about it even if I had the chance to turn back time. I dun think I'll want time to go back anyway, coz I never wanna relive that last 10 min with him...

I dunno if I'm healthily calm because it hasn't quite set in yet... or because I'm really okay but I feel amazingly ok. Pretty proud of how I'm taking the whole situation right now actually. It's like, when it happened in the past, or even during our past week of non-communication, it use to drain me of my emotions because I always wonder to myself how long wil he take this time? When will he be ready to talk again? Will he call? Should I call? Yada yada... but yah... it's like, after last night's episode, the burden has been lifted coz I no longer wonder if he'll ever call or if I should ever call... that's about the only consolation I have i guess...

The most ironic thing is that earlier in the very same week, remember my beach trip with Anna? Yah... I actually told her that even though I'm a little affected, I perfectly understand why he didn't call, and that I was really proud of him and his new found career. Really proud and happy for him... and that no matter wat, I still love every moment of it. HA! Apparently, it was just me lah... coz afterthat, it all went downhill...

He says it's unfair for me to be treated this way and to be giving so much without anything in return. He says he's not ready to be in a relationship and wants to concentrate on his business. He doesn't want to be unfair to me.. but you know wat blory.... i think the most unfair thing was that he made the decision to end things without even giving me the chance to have my say. THAT is what is really unfair. But wat to do, it's over anyway...

Well, I dunno wat to feel now but I know i wanna move on... hope frankfurt will do me good.. but then again, another part of me wishes he'll try to work it out.. but then again, I dunno if I dare to anymore... aiyah... I dunno.. Let it sink in first..

The heart's been pounded, stepped upon, shredded

Dear Blory...

This is probably gonna sound like my most pathetic entry ever. Because I'm whining like a girl.. wait a minute.. i AM a girl.. oh you know wat i mean..

Louis didn't call me at all yesterday and today.. even though i told him on thursday how I felt about all of it.. he just doesn't seem to care anymore. All he cares about is his new business.. photography... and.. i dunno... travelling.. I think it's a pretty clear sign he doesn't want me in his life rite now. Even if he says it's only for now, I really dunno if I should still give him that 'space' because it's just stupid to always be taking time offs from each other.. is it? Time to do our own thing, yes.. but that doesn't mean time off, no?

Anyway... wat saddens me most is that I love him soooo much, it hurts sooo badly when he does this kinda thing to me... look, if we had a fight, it will be fine coz i know there's some conflict somewhere.. but this is worst.. i have no fucking idea why i'm suddenly being shut out from his life! And the only thing i seemingly might have done wrong was to tell him how i felt.... is this fair? This isn't even about spending time with each other or with friends!

3 years it's been, by now, I've learnt that when there's work, he becomes so focused that nothing else matters... 3 yrs i've been taking that all in my stride, knowing that things will be better when it blows over. 3 years... does HE understand me at all?? Does he know how I feel throughout all this while? Does he even bother? Are men really all that selfish? I dunno what to think or feel anymore... i feel shattered... wounded.. heartbroken to the point of insanity. Rite.. this probably sounds really over dramatic for a problem like this.. wait.. how did the problem come about again? sighhh... but it does.. it hurts so badly.. so so badly..

I hate to feel like this! I know nobody does... i'm always having very very violent nightmares.. I use to wonder why, but now, i realise it's really because of alll my pent up frustrations? Am I not standing up for myself? By calling, or messaging him first.. am I being weak? But I really hate playing the childish game of waiting for the other party to call... because I hate messing around with my head and heart... I wish he'd just do something to show me he loves me... does he???

I love him! but I just hope he stops being the insensitive guy he always becomes .. so suddenly... almost surely... I love him to the extend of almost hating him... you can only feel strongly either ways... dun make my love turn cold. I knoe I've never loved so much, so steadfast, and so true in my life... but I also know once it's tainted... nothing can bring it back...

Ever..

Finallyyy

Dear Blory..

Oh finally I got called up today after 4 days of torturous standbys. Not that I love going to work or anything but the idea that I can't go out without having to call stupid phonelink every 45 min really irritated the hell outta me. Mind u, I DID call in every like 30 to 45 min to hear "sorry, there are no new messages for you". Well.. at least i got to go out a little.. heh..

Went to open a new uob acct with Annnah yesterday! It was way cool coz we ended up having really funky names on our future debit cards! Then, we went for like a really late lunch and because both of us guilty of eating to the max, decided to take a walk to the beach.. Who says pasir ris is boring!? Honestly, it's the company.. the people you're with that makes it allll good.. and yesterday was nice and good!

We sat at the breakwaters after walking like forever... with a... coke (i think) in her hand and a Qoo in mine, haha.. we talked about lessons in love that we've learnt. It was good and nicely concluded that in every situation, be it a break up, a time out or like being crazy in love, what really matters is that on hindsight, something good came out of it - like learning some really valuable lesson and that's the reason why we should never regret whatever that's happened. Then life will be easier to go through...

Anywayz, my man is starting a new company.. he's freaking confused abt going ahead though.. i wish I could help ease the stress a little, but sadly, he ain't allowing me to. Which is actually kinda disappointing because it's like... i SHOULD know that whenever he's busy with work and all... he goes into that little "i'm busy.. go do something else and dun bother me" attitude, it's just so unfair. I become oversensitive while he morphes into Mr Insensitive.. Sigh... just makes me wonder if this really happens when he's out of the army then am I suppose to wish that he NEVER gets a job, Never gets anything done and NEVER achieves anything? I mean... how am I ever gonna support him the way I should when all i get are cold shoulders?

Oh whatever... but i'm well excited about the entire project! It is a dream come true for him.. but he feels it's too early. I think I understand... coz when this entire thing started to take shape, suddenly he's missing out on his much awaited vietnam trip and the anticipated Taiwan trip. And I know he loves to travel... maybe it IS too early? Hmmm... nobody knows really... hmm... maybe I should tell him that.. but unfortunately, the contractor and his partners can't afford to wait for him to finish his travel plans before the whole thing kicks off.. therein lies the dilemma. SIGH!

I've got a paper on Friday morning, and I haven't really started on studying... I guess probably 95% of the people in my class are sorta like that too.. haaa... Damn i've been standing up since 4 in the afternoon and I feel liiikeee slllleeeeeepiingggg ....... how how how... need to studyyy... Okay.. if I crap less here maybe I'll have more energy to spare.. so here goes me!

;P

Everybody's got to learn sometime

Dear blory...

Just watched white chicks today with Gracia, sel and her are on a bad patch and we dunno what's gonna come out of it. Maybe this time he'll learn his lesson and stop using the words "break up" like it's some sort of magic word threat. Guys dun ever use these words lightly... dun ever hit a girl, put her down... pls.. make her feel loved.

One thing I've learnt from the movie... haha.. imagine learning something from a chick flick like White Chicks... well, it really just sums up one thing abt guys... that they dun notice enough, make enough effort and even if they think they do, think again.. maybe it's really not what the girl wants. Wining and dining can be fun... pressies and flowers can charm a girl but the important thing is to make a girl feel secured.. feel loved.. feel appreciated.. a sincere compliment or two can go a loooong way..

Know your girl.. i mean.. understand her the way someone special should..
Love your girl the way nobody else can...
Surprise her... do something unpredictable... go out of the way... do something unconditional...
Show her that you're the man...

My dearest man is out lanning with his mates.. again.. like for the umpteenth time in the week. Not that I'm complaining, well.. i'm not around most of the time anyway. It's just kinda irritating when he says he saves most of his free time for me when I'm around.. and the moment the guys go lanning, off he goes! Hmmm.... another weekend comes and goes... sure there'll always be a tomorrow, or next week.

What if it never comes?

Did we make the best of the time together, however short? As of this moment, i dun feel so.

Just once somebody, do something unconditional for the one you love. Isn't that what love's suppose to be?

"Change your heart, look around you
Change your heart, it will astound you
I need your loving like the sunshine
And everybody's gotta learn sometime
Everybody's gotta learn sometime
Everybody's gotta learn sometime"
- Zucchero

What company culture??

Dear Blory..

Just had a revelation earlier when i woke up this morning about the company and environment I'm in now. Just a couple of months ago, I was in the position to command and control. I had the ability to listen to people's explanation and decide if i wanted to be the bitch or not. And mind you, I am quite sure that I was truly objective...

Now, i'm in this totally different culture.

Firstly, it's suppose to be company culture that when you make a mistake, you do not answer back.. and you do not question why... at least, only at the end of the day then you are allowed to ask questions.. but again, are you really allowed to ask without people starting to judge you?? So anyway, what can someone do when she isn't able to justify her actions even when her actions were not necessarily wrong, just not the way the leader wanted it to be? She bitches no? Okay.. make it sound a little more sincere, she confides in a fellow colleague... or group of colleagues.. of course there's the sympathy factor there.. then all will start looking at the other person in question and.. bitch behind her back.. no? Isn't this company culture?

Oh, and when someone does try to explain the situation to prevent the issue from becoming a bigger misunderstanding... she gets shot down with, "just listen when I tell u to.." no buts, no becauses and no whys... wait, they did warn us that this is company culture.. but also encouraged us to be above all that bitching nonsense. Unfortunately, there really isn't any other avenues for anyone to go.. if they have been wrongly reprimanded besides either talking to the mirror or to their friends... and when they talk to their friends, they are seen as bitching.. it's a vicious cycle i tell you...

Why can't people just be more matured and welll... let the leaders listen to their subordinates? At least if the miscommunication is being cleared on the spot, it saves people alot of trouble to go stabbing one another at the back. It will definately also make the person who's still harping on the situation look stupid and thus, minimise bitching? Of course we can't expect people to be that unassuming, mature and rational no? Nope... human beings are never that good. Oh, and even if they are... never reveal yourself too much coz you never know who's listening... or who's really your friend... oh gosh.. now, we have to keep saying sorry and be on guard for ever and ever? How will we ever be able to change the culture that they keep encouraging us to change?

People tell us on one hand that it's the culture and on the other hand to change it... but nothing's been done to allow it to be changed.. wat company culture? Oh welll.. i guess... it's company culture that most people probably feel the way I do but nobody says anything about it... coz watever you do might get you into trouble either ways.. so why bother? Fuck company culture...